My mom never got lost, she called it learning the area.
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“Thanks for turning me into an expression of contempt. Sorry about making delicious nourishment so damned accessible.”
-Low-hanging fruit
Hearing an adult say they “don’t understand why the government doesn’t just print more money so people have more” is why we can’t have nice things.
beyoncé communicating with the dead is what i would call a seyoncé.
The worst thing about having kids is that they grow up, but the best thing about having kids is that they grow up.
I hate when someone you love says mean things like, “It’s time to wake up.”
Nothing brings a family closer at graduation than a flask.
Everyone has that one friend they’ve known for years and still have no idea what they actually do for a living but it’s too late to ask
Friend: Duuude it’s fuckin’ Friday ni…
Me: *already closing the lid to my hibernation pod*
Me: I am excited for our date tonite, I am going all out.
Her: Don’t go nuts just keep it casual.
Me:
Nearly choked on a carrot and a donut would never do that to me.
Bae: come over
Me: I can’t, I’m hanging out with your parents.
Bae: my parents aren’t home.
Me: I know. I just… You never listen Susan.
inflation so bad the sorting hat had to get another job
When a waiter sees my disability and asks the person I’m with what I want to eat, I respond “Our telepathy is a bit off. You should ask me.”
[Interview with a Vampire]
Interviewer: hah, your resume says ‘bleedership skills’, what a funny typo!
Vampire: *nervously tapping fingers, not making eye contact*
Excited for Pete Davidson to host SNL and play some of his iconic characters including Pete Davidson and Pete Davidson.
Love is a can of soda. Open it up too fast & it explodes all over you. Take too long, it goes flat. But no matter what you should recycle.
Sometimes when I look into the sky I get overwhelmed with emotion and eat the nearest entire tree and everything living in that tree
“Nope. Nope. Yeah right. Nope. Close! Nah. Nope. Almost! Hahaha, you’re terrible at this.” – piece of popcorn stuck between teeth.
Me: Get in the kitchen and make me a sandwich.
Dog:
Me: No? Nothing? I don’t get it. You learned “sit” in like ten minutes.
Let’s go to bed and do naughty things.
Fast forward to: jumping on the bed wearing our shoes and giggling uncontrollably.
Give your Mom what she really wants today. Accept her Facebook friend request.
[funeral]
I’ll never forget dad’s last words: It’s way past Halloween! What moron left the hilarious CAUTION tape on this elevator?
I toured a defense contractor executive’s home
[job interview]
“You wrote here your biggest weakness is not knowing what irony means.”
“Ironic isn’t it? Is it? I don’t know.”
[lying in bed]
Wife: He’s probably thinking of other women
ME: *Imagining eating dinner with Batman* It’s a cape AND a bib?!
We have 3 bathrooms at our new home, the master, the kid’s, and the spider bathroom, so we have 2 bathrooms.
I want someone to push me up against the wall.. lean in..
and softly whisper…
“I’ll do your housework for you”
The year 4542, artifacts are discovered from our once flourishing civilization. “Looks like they worshiped apples.” said one archeologist.
My wife: *catches me in bed with a Transformer*
Me: Wait! It’s not what it looks like!
A t-shirt gun outfitted for Costco hotdogs.