If you are rude to me & then you have the tenacity to ask me to buy Girl Scout Cookies from your kid-I’ll take 50 boxes of Thin Mints please
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#rubbishjokes
A German arriving at Orly airport in Paris.Customs officer: Occupation?
German: Nein, just visiting.
Her: Your house has a lot of cool stuff in it… Who plays the piano?
Me: Pretty much anybody who is trying to get on somebody’s nerves.
[introducing my children]
…and these cuties here are the 3 times I tried sex
Roses are red
Duracell is gold
Took your vibrator’s batteries
for my remote control
Farmer: Netflix and till
Moonshiner: Netflix and still
Estate planner: Netflix and will
Dentist: Netflix and drill
Attorney: Netflix and bill
Mountaineer: Netflix and hill
Doctor: Netflix and ill
Pharmacist: Netflix and pill
Jack: Netflix and Jill
I always strip to the waist when I quit a job.
When the grid crashes and there’s no other way of communicating, we’ll see whose drum circle is “stupid”.
When serial killers can’t afford to travel, they take slaycations
The loudness of the sound made by setting a plate in the sink is directly proportional to the number of sleeping people you are trying not to wake.
what’s even the ecological purpose of mosquitoes? to feed the birds ?? can’t we all just chip in like $5 each and buy a bunch of birdseeds from costco and cancel the mosquitoes ???
Kid 1: Hurt my elbow
School Nurse: Here’s an ice packK2: *fever*
SN: Ice packK3: *diarrhea*
SN: Ice packK4: *decapitated*
SN: Ice pack
“Owen, you must hide this baby from Anakin Skywalker at all costs.”
“Okay. Should we continue to call him Luke Skywalker?”
“That’s cool.”
FITNESS COACH: Have u been reaching your target heart rate each morning
*Flashback to me replacing the snooze button with an airhorn* “yes”
Once in a while I post a subtweet. I hope you’re reading this Susan. I want my Gameboy back. Bitch.
{slowly digs both of my feet into the wet sand}
{whispers} planet shoes
A couple who are silly together stay together.
“Your guess is as good as mine”, I lie, knowing that my guesses will always be superior.
Cop: you’re going to prison for forgery
Me *slides him a 37 dollar bill* what about now
MAN: [after being mauled by a bear] oh it’s just a scratch
MAN: [with a cold] omg i can’t breathe i think i’m dying
Life Hack: Get a dog and a cat and name them Resident and Occupant. Now that junkmail isn’t annoying, it’s adorable.
Remembering when I was 5 and in the tub, my mom had to answer the phone, so I leapt out the tub, ran down the street naked to a park and punched a kid who threw a rock at me the day before. His Dad saw what happened and chased me up the street to where my Mom was just losing it
Be the reason why the lights flicker when you enter a room
Stay in school, kids.
No, I mean really. Don’t come home. We need a break.
Why doesn’t anyone invite copyeditors to parties when we’re such cool people out with whom to hang?
Jackenhaal and Gyllenhaal went up the Hyllenhaal.
Hell is having a married couple tell you a story at the same time.
Anyone who says living well is the best revenge has clearly never relocated a bat colony while their enemy was at work.
My organization style can be best described as “just don’t look in that room.”
Me: don’t ever speak like that to me again
Alarm clock: *continues to beep*