Arrested by a cop on a tandem bike and I had to help pedal all the way down to the precinct. 馃槧
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“funeral” and “badminton” should just swap their first 3 letters
Don’t be that guy that tells people not to be “that guy.”
Next time you’re having a bad day just remember that alligators spend their whole lives looking like they’re trying to do a push-up.
Sometimes I open my dog’s giant food bag with a knife so she is impressed with my kibble hunting skills.
I overheard two female coworkers say there was a creepy dude listening to their conversation.
GF: I’m moving out if you don’t stop pretending you work at a supermarket.
ME: Ok. Do you need any help with your packing?
ME: I wish for a third dog to pet.
GENIE: you’re seriously wasting these wishes-
ME: I DON’T REMEMBER WISHING FOR YOUR OPINION
I accidentally swallowed some food coloring.
The doctor says I鈥檓 okay, but I feel like I鈥檝e dyed a little inside.
Hey dude, can i borrow your laptop? I want to shop for a new computer but it feels cruel to do that on the one I鈥檓 replacing.
I don鈥檛 ask for much but can someone please take away the share function on Wordle?
15: Geez. You make me never want to have a girlfriend.
Me: Joke鈥檚 on you, bud, I make a lot of men decide they don鈥檛 want a girlfriend.
Given the memory span of a goldfish…
[at my grandmas house]
MY GRANDMA (not the grandma whose house we’re at but my other grandma): (to my grandma whose house we are at) hey
*God provides manna from heaven*
“Is there gluten in this?”
FRIEND: what was the best day of ur life
WIFE: our wedding day
ME (thinking of the time the Coke machine gave me 2 cans instead of 1): same
Every guy feels macho in his car. Until he races a woman who’s late for something.
I spray Lysol on Tide Pods before I eat them. Double protection!
Note to self: when in a bank and your kids are climbing on the chairs. Don’t yell…
GET DOWN!
I don鈥檛 need anything that a fettuccine Alfredo coma can鈥檛 cure.
DAUGHTER, AGE 6: My legs are running away from the ghosts of my feet!
ME: Ha ha, you’re so silly
[later]
ME: *waking her up at 2am* Sweetie, Daddy has several questions
Survival Tip: if a bear comes at you, do not try to “sweep the leg”. They’ve all seen The Karate Kid and learned how to defend against it.
me: i’m late
boss: again?
me: it’s yours
I cannot breath, walk, or bend over but DAYUM these skinny jeans look good.
“I’d like to raise a toast.”
*Levitates bread*
[Brings pot brownies to the PTA meeting]
– New playground approved
– All classes now held outside
“How much to go into this haunted house?”
“Sir, this is the Church of Scientology.”
“Ooh…Sounds scary! One ticket please!”
Executioner: Any last words
Me: No, I’m –
My boss, running full speed: WAIT WAAIIIITTTT *gasping* I need you on this conference call
Real girls have curves. A real girl is just one long, continuous curve. Do not date girl unless she is a parabola.
When smothering somebody, make sure not to use a memory foam pillow because it could testify against you in court.
The only occasions in which I will run:
– Zombie apocalypse
– Salma Hayek is handing out all-you-can-eat baby back ribs