You know how you have that ONE hoodie that no matter when or what you’re eating — you ALWAYS spill something on it? It’s cuz you’re a pig.
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Guys.You can’t make everyone happy, so just concentrate on me
Being unemployed has given me even more time to make up songs to sing to my cat.
I’m not trying to be racist but black people are darker than white people.
Leaving kids home alone now: Keep your phone on at all times, text me every 15 minutes, don’t answer the door or look out the window, only eat soft foods that require minimal chewing…
Leaving kids home alone in the 80s: Don’t use the stove.
[inventing jazz]
a
me: what if music w
s
l i
k e
t
h
i s
i see ur bf carved his favorite sports team’s logo into his pumpkin instead of u. nice to see where his priorities lie. lmk if u wanna talk about it. i’d be upset
[Car breaks down]
Me:*inspecting engine*
Date: is everything ok?
Me: *nervously searching 100 now empty hamster wheels* haha..y-yep
accidentally called out my dentist’s name during my colonoscopy
When you have a clap light in your bedroom, rough sex also becomes a rave.
[inventor of green tea] what if tea didn’t make you feel awake but also tasted bad
Christmas tree still up?
that’s a cat tree now.
Problem solved.
Turns out there isn’t a single sexy explanation for having a fork in your bed.
Thoughts and prayers for my son who thought it would be funny to tell me “I’ll get to it when I get to it, woman”
i will avenge u mr van gogh
Like seashell soaps, my Ferrero Rocher are decorative.
A guy just commented on how classy I am
So naturally I removed my finger from my nose so I could type, “Thank you!”
The way my dog maintains eye contact while taking a dump is unsettling. Can’t he read a magazine like a normal dog?
[first day as a doctor]
patient: how bad is it
me: [forgetting the word for spine] you broke your bone rope
PEOPLE WITH CHRONICALLY MOIST HANDS:
When you have dry lips, rub them on your palms.
I call it Lip palm.
It’s free.
ATTORNEY: my client would like to confess
ME: i sell human organs on the black market
JUDGE [who needs a kidney transplant]: tell me more
The moment my kids get over the shock of my wife and me being the tooth fairy, I’m going to reveal that we’re also the dishwasher fairy, the laundry fairy, the playdate fairy, the school project fairy, the…
Council: We’ll pay you 30 pieces of silver.
Judas: Never. He’s my friend.
Council: …and an iPad.
Judas: I hate that guy.
I saw jimmy fallon meeting with crab people from outer space. he was giving away our military secrets and laughing at everything they clacked at him with their claws and just generally acting like a piece of shit. you could tell even the crab people were getting uncomfortable
I possess a devastating combination of perfectionism and incompetence
me: *tries to befriend another human being*
another human being: oh, no thank you
ME WHEN A NORMAL BUG IS ON ME: Eww.
ME WHEN A LADYBUG IS ON ME: Evening, ma’am.
“I’M A DOG!”
“I’M A DOG TOO!”
“WE’RE DOGS!”
– dogs
I’m tired of pretending that people know what a first cousin once removed is.
An opossum is just a regular possum that reenacts the diner scene from When Harry Met Sally.
Point of etiquette: When attending a chainsaw massacre, don’t spend the entire time chainsawing one person. Get out there and mangle.