Art: Stop it.
Life: *mockingly* Stopp iiit.
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What was that movie where the guy shrunk his kids then told his wife about it
“God is good all the time!” Yeah. Not you though, Russ. You sucked for 55 frigging minutes.
She really didn’t have nine lives, just one very stubborn life that wouldn’t go away.
[Takes dog to park]
*waits for romantic comedy to begin
3: *throws plate in sink
Me: but you barely ate!
3: yeah, I’m full…what are you eating?
Me: the same thing you had
3: can I have a bite?
I love it when websites pop up a box to make me subscribe to read, and I always enter my real email address because it’s important.
[I kneel down, pick up some dirt and let it run through my hand]
uh huh….
[I lick my finger and stick it in the air] hmm….
[I run my knuckles over some moss on a nearby tree]
unless i’m mistaken, it would seem that i’m outside
If they stop texting back you need to assume they’ve died and move on. If you see them out just smile because you ain’t afraid of no ghost
took my friend to the museum of natural history and she was like this is awesome it’s like being at the zoo but you don’t feel bad the whole time
Customer: can I get some bacon
Me: sure
Customer: can you make it fatty
Me: *holding back tears* bacon isn’t that hard to make
After speaking with the psychiatrist, I’ve learned that “hungry” is in fact NOT an emotion. So I’m in the market for a new psychiatrist.
A friend wants us to do something tonight and I asked her to name 5 things so I could say no to 4 of them.
16 zombie actors injured on movie set. Saddly no one noticed for 3 hours.
Taken 5: has anyone seen my doggie?
“Paper or plastic?”
I don’t know. How can anyone really know?
“Uhh-”
I’m bagnostic
Touch it gently, put 2 fingers
inside, if it’s wide use 3
fingers,make sure it’s wet and
rub up and down. Yep that’s how
you wash a cup.
“Hey kids, you like candy?” I said to my own kids, luring them into my van so I could get them to school and be at work on time.
“Jurassic Park” is still my favorite movie about giant electric fences.
If we’re on a road trip and you don’t point out a cow when we see one you will have to get out and walk. Those are the rules. No exceptions.
ME: welcome to my man cave.
PROCTOLOGIST: please stop calling it that.
My gf just sat me down and confessed to me that she used to be a Christian. It came as quite a shock; I’ve only ever known her as Christine
ME: [staring off into distance]
HER: what’s wrong?
M: nothing
H: talk to me
M: it’s just…that bus in Speed would’ve never made that jump
do you swear to tell the truth the whole truth and nothing but the truth
“starting now?”
yes
“the judge looks like squints from the sandlot”
[first date]
Me looking confused: “well you had cartoon bunny ears in your profile picture!”
whoever you are. wherever you are. bring back our tupperware.
My daughter was looking at a photo and asked…“How come you don’t look like this anymore?” Was about to be sad but then realized the pic was of Halloween and I was dressed up as Pippi Longstocking and she just really likes flying pigtails
*takes an exam in a coffin*
*passes*
going into to sephora and putting some lipstick on my collar to make my gf jealous
they told me to make myself at home so i moved their silverware to the more logical drawer
Oppenheimer at the A-Bomb test saying “Now, I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds” only me exiting the bathroom after eating Taco Bell.