When the doctor asks about my sex life.
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Currently on minute 137 of Easy~Bake Oven cupcakes. I’ll be live Tweeting their status as they crisp up over the next day or two.
I’m so excited, I just sold my first house. I’m not even a real estate agent and my neighbors are furious for selling their house without asking.
You’ve won this round supervisor, but accidentally leave your Ok Cupid profile open one more time and you’ll be a transgender time traveler.
I’d let you be the reason my cheeks blush.. All four of them
I found your suicide note and corrected some grammatical errors. You’re good to go.
MESSENGER: sire, a peasant named humpty dumpty fell off a wall
KING: send all my horses and men to put him back together
QUEEN: should we not just send a doctor
KING: no send all the horses and men
ADVISOR: my liege, the castle will be defenseless
KING: all of them i said
“What did I ever see in him?” – the Invisible Man’s ex
Some of you ladies must go through an astonishing amount of laundry considering how wet you always are
How can a middle aged unemployed rat with 4 teenage turtles afford so much pizza?
If I don’t win Mega Millions tonight, I’m going to have to mend a lot of fences tomorrow.
Psychology says:
People will believe everything written after “psychology says.”
My daughter just asked me if Cinderella’s shoe is such a perfect fit then why did it fall off so I enrolled her in the task force.
I read a list earlier today of toxic things one should avoid
Anyway, thought of you
[looking at family picture]
Me: Such good times
3yr old son: But I’m not in the pic
Me: *ruffles his hair* I know, buddy
All I ask is that when I’m murdered, you make my chalk outline four sizes smaller.
Went on ChristianMingle .com and kept asking myself, “Who Would Jesus Do”?
Really not a fan of the wind. Why is the air in such a hurry? You’re outside already, where else are you even trying to get to?
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
I just hit my toe and it was at that moment I realized I spoke 4 different languages
I took a test to see if I have multiple personalities. I scored 100%, 92%, and 88%.
I let a Pasta Chef borrow my car and he returned it all denty
Maybe your parents told you a watched pot never boils so you wouldn’t go around sticking your face near boiling water, idiot.
“astrology isn’t real” bro we’re on a spinning rock and we have to pay for water. nothing is “real”.
rival dad next door thinks he has the best lawn but joke’s on him because i just sold my house to a professional landscaper. CHECKMATE.
[interviewing babysitter]
me: how much do you charge?
ipad:
I swear i’m surrounded by idiots… no one even understood me when i said “to all intense and porpoises.”
Me: I wish Inigo Montoya appeared everytime “literally” is misused and did his “You keep saying that word“ bit
Genie: That ones on the house
dream blunt rotation
my recent google searches:
— how to colour your own hair
— how to fix a bad dye job
— Wigs By Tiffani
— hats
— making the most of your time in isolation
I’ve heard parents say they don’t enjoy playing with their kids but I play all kinds of fun games with mine like..
-who gets to microwave mommy’s coffee?
-whoever finds the remote first can watch a show after I do
-whoever fills mommy’s water gets to be my favorite for the day