yesterday i was walking to an interview and on the way there, I saw a starving cat. I stopped to feed it and missed the interview. The next day I got a call asking to come in to do the interview. I was surprised but I went anyways. The interviewer came in. It was the cat.
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Me driving through Toronto
ME: Where are the posters?
WIFE: THEY JUST DISAPPEARED!
[In other room]
*cat is furiously stuffing missing dog posters into paper shredder*
candy corn tastes like it has already been chewed
‘Twas the day before Lent, and when it was done, not a creature was sober, not even a nun.
Birthdays were invented by big wax corporations to sell more candles with numbers on them.
I’m so poor I can’t even pay for my own consequences.
“It is the east. And Juliet is the sun. Now she an eggplant. Now she a goat. Now she a dog” -Romeo, if Juliet had snapchat
still the best tweet of the year by far
Can’t, waiting for the DIY instructions on how to make ventilators from cauliflower.
Telling a woman she’s being unreasonable is like juggling lit torches while waist deep in gun powder.
He asked where I wanted to go for dinner, and that’s how the fight got started.
Took my puppy to the vet today and they distracted him with a cozy bed, cookies, and cheese so my gynecologist needs to up their game.
It’s amazing how fast a baby squirrel can run when you’re chasing it through your living room.
Friend: I’m getting married!
Me: Have you considered just letting a homeless man sleep on your couch, instead?
based al yankovic
My wife’s filthy toenail cut my leg in bed & now I can levitate & hear time.
I dont smoke, but still wanna take smoke breaks, so I go outside with everyone then just stand there with a lit birthday candle in my mouth.
Before pulled pork, pork just used to stand on the edge of the dance-floor, nodding to the music and looking cool.
Octopus – 8 arms
“Yes”
Octagon – 8 sides
“Yes”
Octuplets – 8 babies
“Yes”
October – 8th month
“No”
I’m burning this world down
Once upon a time, a woman kissed a frog and found a prince.
*I whisper to myself, filling out another application at the cat shelter*
Usain Bolt doesn’t know shit bout speed compared to a parent putting their hand over their kids mouth when they see someone w/ an eye patch.
YOU CANT GROUND ME, THE GOVERNMENT ALREADY DID
-Kids
You should trust your gut but you should not listen to your anxiety. Good luck
No one is more unnecessarily confident than a white person that just ordered Mexican food in a Spanish accent.
My true love: [gives to me a partridge in a pear tree]
Me: wtf how did you wrap this
*praying for world peace*
God:
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the
courage to change the things I can,
and a really big sandwich. Big ol’ sandwich
[pushing my son in his stroller]
Stranger: awww aren’t you adorable! how old are you?
Me: 35
Stranger: I was talking to him
Me: He doesn’t know how old I am.
I truly believe my daughter can be anything she wants to be but after seeing how she plays with mr potato head I really hope that isn’t a doctor