Psychic: *rubbing temples* You want to know if your wife’s trying to murder you
Me: How’d you know?
P: *sees knife in my back* I’m good
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Whenever I’m ordering takeout they ask if I need three sets of utensils and the answer is always obviously yes
Sex in movies is so fake because they never show the part where I ask him to stop for a minute because I’m out of shape and out of breath.
GENIE: 3 wishes. But no extra wishes & no sex stuff
Me: why not?
GENIE: I make the rules
ME: I wish I made the rules
GENIE: …dammit
Me: My son’s goldfish died. What should I do?
Him: Just flush him down the toilet
Me: Gotcha. And the fish?
They say New Zealand has a sheep population of over 60 million
How did they stay awake to figure THAT one out?
Me: I’m very observant
Also me: *pulls away from drive thru without order*
Her: No filter!
Me: Add one tho
[lost at sea]
FRIEND: There’s a ship! Get the flair
ME: [puts on oversized jewellery]
The new options on Facebook look like the life cycle of every relationship I’ve ever had
Just saw an ambulance pull into a cemetery, like dude, you’re too late.
Hiding an engagement ring in a hot dog is harder than you think
When I die, I’d like a closed casket funeral, but I’d like my body to be painted on the top of the casket, only with a lot more muscles added.
i order my girl scout cookies from several different girl scouts so nobody has a full count of the boxes i’ve eaten i don’t have time for that negativity it’s cookie season goddammit
Dear guy backing into that tiny parking space.
You’re not Jason Bourne. You don’t need a rapid egress contingency plan for Costco.
Instill fear in your spouse by telling them they talk in their sleep.
Can we stop making up bullshit words like ‘peopling’ and ‘taxes’?
G/F wanted sex.
Told her I was too tired from having sex with my wife.
And that’s how the fight started.
End a boring conversation by opening an umbrella in their face
Unless:
-The house is on fire
-The cops are about to kick down the door
-Or you’re ordering foodDo NOT talk to me while I’m on the toilet
Sophomore year I called my mom excited to tell her I had declared my majors. Me: “I’m gonna double major in drama & sociology” Her: “Drama & sociology?! Whatcha gonna do with THAT ACT LIKE YOU’RE HELPING PEOPLE” 🤷🏾♀️😂
End any argument with a baby by saying “Well, at least my arms are longer than my head.” YA GOT SMOKED, BABY
interviewer: you have a 3 year gap on your resume that just says “vengeance”
me:
interviewer:
me: you don’t remember me do you?
a carton of eggs that cost $6.66 call ‘em deviled eggs.
Thought Experiment: Stand on a scale in an elevator. Cut the cable. You, the scale, and the elevator fall — scale reads zero
[a boomerang is thrown at me]
me: oh no holy frickin crap !
[one second later]
me: (toughly) …ok yeah that’s what i THOUGHT
Me: *giggling* No you hang up first..
Pizza hut: Sir, please stop doing this..
Yes I have strong principles, no they do not guide my behavior in any way. And that’s Valid.
Dear trick-or-treaters: Would it kill you to say “thank you” when I hand you a freshly made egg salad sandwich?
[Arriving to cult meeting]
Cult leader: Did you bring the sacrifice?
Me, standing in a puddle of water:
Shit…I thought you said sack of ice.
I mean, COME ON! It’s not like I MEANT to serve sangria instead of kool aid to my Sunday School class but at least those animal crackers were straight up legit!