Why do the models on the catwalks always look so angry? I would have been very happy to get paid to just walk around in fancy clothes.
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My sister’s credit card information was stolen, so being a good sister, I called to see how she was doing and tell her what I purchased at Bloomingdales.
Never trust a fireworks dealer that has all 10 fingers
Whenever you eat something that tastes awful you should always say “that’s disgusting” immediately followed by “here try it”.
The Rules
My biological clock is wheezing.
catch me on valentine’s day like
we need a disney princess who is the shark from the movie Jaws
Pretty sure I just heard a grown man wrestle a bear in a bathroom stall at Chipotle.
Thinking about the time a professor commented ‘please justify in the final version’ on my draft and I spent around a 1000 words justifying what I wrote but turns out all she wanted was for me to justify the text alignment 😭
Thinking of leaving a fake bloody arm inside the blood pressure machine at this CVS pharmacy.
Cops: put your hands where we can see them
Invisible man:
No, YOUR illiterate.
They sent a cardboard detective to investigate.
This day in history. 2008. The entire staff of the Canadian Oxford Dictionary was fired. Now damned if I know if it’s moustache or mustache.
[looking disappointed at the playboy mansion]
i was told there’d be bunnies
INVENTOR OF THE CEMETERY: what if I told you there was a legal way to hide a dead body
You say tomato soup. I say ketchup soup. Cause the three year old won’t eat tomato soup.
It was to keep our furry overlords content😉
[first day as a snake charmer]
me: ayy wussup king damn what that tongue do long boi lmao u got room in that wicker basket for two or what
cobra: *striking me several times about the face, neck, and chest*
Dear axe body spray,
Could you Please put a suggested spray size on your deodorant bottles.
Best regards,
Asphyxiated girls everywhere.
8yo: *drawing family portrait*
Me: Hey, aren’t you forgetting someone?
8yo: Oh yeah. *draws Fortnight character*
Nobody needed expensive gym memberships in the 70s. They had rotary dial phones.
[Independence Day – 2017]
ALIEN {auto-translated}: We. are. taking. over. the. leadership. of. your. country. Do. not. r—
WILL SMITH: Fine
You know what I hate? People who say the secret ingredient is love.
NO IT’S NOT, SHARON. IT’S SMOKED PAPRIKA
The cranberries used to write songs that would get stuck in your head, in your heeeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaad!
You’re either you’re frolicking in this meadow with me, or you’re frolicking in this meadow against me.
A pregnant lady, except it’s me smuggling king sized candy into the movies for 6 kids and saving $278.
I’ve gained so much weight during this time off, my dating profile just matched me with a refrigerator.
JUDGE: I hereby sentence you t-
PENGUIN COURT REPORTER: *angrily smashing keyboard with flippers* CAN YOU GUYS SLOW DOWN A BIT
BOSS: you’re an hour late
GUY WHO’S ABOUT TO INVENT DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME: oh you haven’t heard?
imagine prince eric watching ariel get her voice back in the little mermaid and finding out she sounds exactly like donald duck