[Star Trek: The Next Generation)
Picard: Why are they firing at us?
Troi [an empath]: I sense hostility.
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Apparently I have to stop yelling ‘dear god why do bad things always happen to good people’ every time my mil walks through the door
Cost of the ice cream my kid threw a tantrum in the grocery store to get: $5
The look on his face when I ate it for dinner: priceless
Turn up? At my age, I’m just happy when I can turn over.
Lose something? Need help? Call 1-800-MOM & a team of moms will be deployed to you to ask you “Well, did you look?”Or “did you look-look?”
I鈥檓 too Shreksy for my shirt
Me: *being pulled from my smashed car by paramedics & put on a stretcher*
My mom: WAIT! *running up to the ambulance, out of breath* this never would’ve happened if you drank more water
Today I made a lot of people at work upset by eating my burrito wrong so I figured… Why not spread the joy 馃檭
getting off the floor: the extreme sport of middle age
I鈥檝e been trying to cancel a print job since November.
Own pets. That way no one will ever know who made that terrible smell
Always remember –
If you’re having a conversation with somebody that doesn’t speak English, just talk louder.
A parakeet that won’t shut up equals dinner for fluffy tonight.
There’s no point using Latin phrases if you don’t understand what they mean, and vice versa.
[being stared at by a bunch of guys as I bathe in an airport washroom] can someone get my back please?
[show about dog training]
Narrator: a yellow ribbon on her leash indicates she is not to be socialized with
Me: where can i get one of those
After several Steven Segal films in a row, you’d think bad guys would know to avoid rooms that contain both him & a PoolTable
How do you say “I’m sorry I got you pregnant, but my plane leaves in an hour. I might visit the baby one day.” in Korean?
If you are single, just be patient. Your soulmate is almost done with their divorce papers 馃槈
[robbing Whole Foods]
“All the cash in a bag NOW!”
100% organic reusable bag ok?
“Yes!”
[puts half the cash] I had to charge for the bag
Society has this weird perception that nurses are the most nurturing parents.
My kids: My arm hurts when I move it!!
Me: Then don’t do it.
My headstone will probably read “5 lbs from goal weight.”
thesaurus for sale, brand new, current, modern, original, unused, untapped, fresh, pristine, untouched, mint condition, spotless, untried…
I stupidly asked my kids to explain why there are rocks in the washing machine, as if I鈥檓 new to this whole parenting thing
The strangest thing happened. A coworker who always says, “Living the dream” was mysteriously stabbed 37 times in the neck with my car keys.
If you don’t think monkeys are adorable, then you can suck macaque.
[getting dating advice from my dad]
Just be yourself and don’t do anything stupid
“Well which one is it?”
[1st date]
me: are you cold?
date: *shivering* a little
me: *putting second hoody on* that sucks
ARE YOU A MAN OR A MOUSE?
“Haha a man obviously”
*Detective places cheese on table*
*suspect starts to sweat*
I鈥檝e seen your area rug, and you sir are not single.