Losing weight doesn’t seem to be working for me, so just gonna concentrate on getting taller
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Hubs: Why are you spending so much time on Twitter lately?
Me: I need to find my people
Him: You have a family, we are your people
Me: *this is awkward* But I’m looking for people I actually like
Intro to salsa class was weird, I starved myself all day, there was no chips or dips and then these weirdo’s were all grabby and dancing around
I heard the iPhone 15 won’t have any ports or jacks or a screen and it will just be a smooth steel ball and finally we’ll all be happy.
Hot singles over 40 in your area are curious what you use for joint pain and inflammation.
2013: why would anyone care what the losers on reddit think
2023: the losers on reddit are the last remaining source on the internet for reviews of products and services that aren’t paid for or some kind of scam
A face mask and rubber gloves is all you need to wear when you go to mall they said.
I felt a fool.
Everyone else was wearing clothes.
Alexa, trade my personal privacy for a cooking timer please.
The key to happiness in life is to set yourself small, achievable goals.
Twinkle twinkle little star,
I want to hit you with a car,
Throw you off a street so high,
Hope you break your neck and die.
They say you’ll never forget your first kiss, but what they don’t tell you is you will also never forget the first time you throw up everything you consumed at the state fair.
Thanks to daylight saving time, my kids now have an extra hour to fight with each other.
gf: ooh a blindfold, kinky
me: *seductively* ill go get the piñata
So important your wife knows you’re petting the dog when she hears you say “you’re getting a little chunky”
Giving my wife a bikini wax for the first time. Should I wake her up or just let it be a surprise?
It’s like being a teenager again. Gas is cheap and I’m grounded.
Never share breakfast with a duck‼️
Just saw a bird walking down the side of the road & yelled out my window, “YOU CAN FLY, YOU STUPID BIRD,” because I am a mature adult.
Swung by drugstore to pick up cheapo last minute anniversary gift for my girlfriend, completely forgetting about her new job as drugstore cashier.
Am I romantic?
I do the rose petal thing but I use potato salad.
So, I don’t know.
You tell me.
Cop: This is a ticket for drunk and disorderly behavior.
Me: Can I have another? I’d like to bring a guest.
Sorry I got confused & grabbed your fist bump like a doorknob.
My daughter asked me for money on a FaceTime call and I pretended like the screen froze up and she tells me, “Mother, the ceiling fan is still moving.”
The student has surpassed the master
If you remove all the segments where they tell you what’s coming up, Dateline is actually only 13 minutes long.
English is just 3 languages wearing a trenchcoat pretending to be one tall language
[House Hunters]:
Hi I’m a tree enthusiast and my partner collects stamps. Our budget is 6 million dollars
god: awful nice planet you got there
earth: thanks
god: it’d be a shame if someone…
earth: please don’t
god: created humanity
me: [climbing a tree]
bonsai artist: please stop
Irony is Westboro Baptist Church protesters writing “God Hates Fags” on rainbow colored signs.
I went out for a walk and the neighbor kids asked if I could play. Later losers, I have friends now.