The most romantic restaurant in the world is not as dimly lit as the operating room on a TV medical drama.
You Might Also Like
Horror movies have given me an unrealistic expectation that there is someone out there that cares enough about me to kill me.
You’d think that the guy in charge of putting pepperoni on frozen pizzas would’ve been up for a performance review by now.
COWORKER: turn that frown upside-down!
ME: *rotates head 180 degrees along vertical axis as eyes go black and lights flicker*
CW: uuhh…
I finally understand what the cat wants when he wakes me up at 4 am
Her: did you accidentally take an extra Ambien?
Me: why?
Her: who vacuums their bed?
Me: the unicorns like a clean place to lay.
Well, it took 29 years, but I finally watched the original Jurassic Park, a cautionary tale about understaffing your engineering department and letting people push code directly to prod.
So a coffee break is when you stop drinking coffee for a minute, right?
A pizza falls into a wormhole and is transported to cavepeople times. A woman discovers and tastes it. “Needs mammoth.”
I nearly choked on a hard boiled egg and I know in my heart a cinnamon bun would never treat me this way
Destined to be a firefighter from birth.
My toddler and I went pretend grocery shopping. It was a pretend Whole Foods and now the little guy is pretend broke as shit.
[visits psychic]
*knocks on door*
Psychic: “who is it?”
Me: “well this is a bad start”
“Space heater” is a pretty ambitious name. How about “shin warmer?”
“Ninja please” -Japanese people
my brain: i hate that person
that person: hey that thing you wrote was great
my brain: they do have a lot of redeeming qualities
My toddler wanted to take a spatula to the zoo and after a fierce round of negotiations I was able to talk her down to a spatula and a throw pillow.
‘we love the sea because it’s where we come from we fear it because we left so long ago’, I say suddenly, startling myself, and the waitress
i’m the girl your mom warned you about… long nails, big eyes, purple tongue, green skin. i’m reptar. i’m reptar from rugrats.
If I was an outlaw in the Wild West, my face would be on unwanted posters
I still don’t unmute myself often on group calls at work, but my comically overt nodding game has never been stronger.
Real life: Woman has a baby and leaves the hospital one to two days after giving birth
TV shows: Woman has a baby and leaves the hospital 30 seconds after giving birth
Him: How was your day?
Me: (watching a movie about a shark trapped in a grocery store) Very busy.
I saw a clown doing sit-ups. Funny how things work out.
[Excavation for dino bones]
DIGGER: Sir, we found something BIG!
DOG PALEONTOLOGIST: *tail wags* Ok go for break [salivating] I’ll finish up
I’ve wasted so much of my life on terrible boyfriends but I’ll never regret the time I’ve spent training my fruit bat Bing to remove all the raisins from my trail mix.
Super glue dry times:
Wood – 30 secs
Steel – 60 secs
Ceramic – 20 secs
Fingers – instant
Anyone can be a hero:
Make a child smile
Rescue a kitten from a tree
Reverse Earth’s rotation to prevent an earthquake from killing your girlfriend
If you’ve ever wanted to reconnect with people you haven’t seen in ages, take a quick trip to the grocery store looking like complete shit.
American government is of the people, by the people and for the people. Which begs the question: what is wrong with you people?
Toddler: What’s for dinner?
Me: Fish cakes.
Toddler [wide eyes]: FISH CAKES!? Is there frosting?!
Me:
Me:
Me:
Me: ……. Sure.