At a kids’ birthday party. With my kid.
He abandoned me and I don’t know how to talk to the parents
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Never trust anyone who says “let me be Frank” no, what is your real name?
Is it just me or does everything cost like we’re shopping in an airport now?
EVERYONE ELSE: i am terrified of the state of democracy in our nation
ME: digimon is short for digital monsters
Her: Babe, I need some sex in the worst way!
Him: Lucky for you, that’s the only way I know.
My office has started random urine testing of employees to detect traces of hope or optimism.
me: excuse me sir, what kind of wine is this
sommelier: [pretentious af] it’s merlot
me: excuse me merlot, what kind of wine is this
torturer: *sharpening butcher knife*
me: please, no! I have a baby!
torturer: how old?
me: three months
torturer: *untying ropes* go home, I can’t compete with that
What idiot called it the toaster and not the tanning bread?
just saw someone my age running and she wasn’t chasing a pizza or an ice cream truck, day is ruined
The car salesman said my vehicle will seat five people without any problems. How am I suppose to find five people without any problems?
“I have to poop”
~What teenagers say when they don’t want to do something you’ve asked them to do
Like who are those little paper umbrellas trying to protect
Rick Astley will let you borrow any movie from his Pixar collection except for one. He’s never gonna give you Up.
My daughter was worried that I would embarrass her on this college tour but that was before I showed everyone how well I could twerk
” Let me be perfectly clear” – My Aquarium
me forcing everyone to watch a movie i really like
A dragonfly just landed on my face an I reacted the same way I’d react if an actual dragon had landed on my face.
This guy next to me thinks I’m flirting, but really I’m just trying to see where he parks so I can steal his gas
If oats can be milk, you can be whatever you want.
I get it, mayonnaise. I am also disgusting yet liked by many.
Me: Can you call my phone so I can find it?
Teen: UUGGHH. Can’t I just text you?
Narrator: She found her phone. After 387 text messages.
Monster under the bed: Look, I was going to scare you but this is sad. You’ve been in bed for 15 hours.
Me: I’ll go to the restroom after the next episode is over.
Monster: You said that last episode, I just want to go see my kids.
She loves me
[forgets to run the dishwasher]
She loves me not
my cat when i respond to his mournful meows for treats every half hour with “oh we’re singing now?” and start melodically meowing back at him
I explained how Pac-Man works to my kids, and apparently 4 ghosts constantly chasing someone is a terrifying story to 4yos.
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: whats that big wooden boat ur building
NOAH: it’s an ark
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: idk looks like a boat to me
NOAH: well it’s an ark
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: haha ok guy have fun with the boat
NOAH: have fun drowning
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: what
NOAH: what
I forgot my glasses so I pointed to a random spot on the menu and now I’m hoping for the best
Finally got my treadmill setup. I can start making excuses why I’m not using it starting tomorrow.
If a ship travels 24 knots per hour and the trip is five hours then how was there not enough room for Jack on that door??
My wife’s so square in bed she has cubic hair