[first date with a skeleton]
ME: So um… have you always been a skeleton?
HER: No, in high school I was a-
ME: Wait, no-
HER: Skeleteen.
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Me: I lost 3 pounds!
Domino’s: I found them for you.
My 8-year-old just offered me leftover cashews from his lunch, asking “Do you want these nuts?” and I’m not mature enough to be a parent.
The secret to my impressive dance moves? Spider webs.
I’m so relieved after getting my last electricity bill today.
It said..
FINAL NOTICE
*two turtles strapping themselves to a sleeping cheetah*
Just you wait, Carl! This is gonna be awesome!
*stranded on island*
*puts message in bottle and throws it into sea*
*years later gets message back*
what’s updog?
*fist pump*
Don’t hand me the good china. That’s a leap of faith you’ll regret.
MAKE THE ENTIRE DESK OUT OF MOUSE PAD STUFF
Please stay out of the flood waters. They are busy and don’t have time for your bullshit.
BOSS TELLS ME I CAN KISS MY FERRETS AT WORK, BUT NO OPEN MOUTH. I PUNCH THE FLOOR SO HARD HIS SCREEN SAVER DEACTIVATES
“I wonder what drinking fur would be like?”
~ Inventor of orange juice with pulp
Rabbits who hang out in indie pet stores are hopsters.
***BREAKING*** sneaky teens trying to buy booze severely misjudge their height – 300ft trenchcoat behemoth said to contain 57 people
If you’re thinking of getting a hairless cat, go the extra mile and get a catless cat.
Me:Thank you, he’s so hot I don’t even know what I want to do first…Grandma: (interrupting) Okay, can someone else say the prayer please?
Whenever I go down the stairs next to an escalator, I always move faster than the escalator to prove to the people I made the better decision
Friend: but when the baby arrives, how will I figure out how to raise her?
Me: when you’re a parent, you just no
Goats will be chewing while looking at you like they have seen you somewhere.
me: [hiring a hitman] now how can we make my songs better
My kid is singing “Mac-n-cheese” to the tune of “Stand by Me.”
You guys just tried it, didn’t you?
By the logic that declares Die Hard a holiday film, I think we should classify Titanic as a Hallmark Christmas movie.
-female lead ditches rich jerky fiancé for humble poor boy
-lots of lights
-iconic pop culture theme music
-lots of ice
-female lead’s hair is very improbable
My 10 year old neighbour just threw a cup of water over my cat who was sitting on the fence minding his own business n laughed so I threw a basin of water over him from the window and now his dad is at my door going mental but I don’t see the problem, don’t touch my cat
Alternate reality. 🤣🤣🤣
(car dealership)
Me: Cargo room?
Salesman: No, car go outside
My personal style is best described as “didn’t expect to get out of the car.”
911: Could you hide in the closet?
Me: yes oh God no, there’s no room!
911: Under the bed?
Me: I can’t fit!!
Son: Coming ready or not
Me: shit
911: shit
My wife asked me why I was speaking so softly at home. I told her I was afraid Mark Zuckerberg was listening! She laughed. I laughed. Alexa laughed. Siri laughed.
The 3yo insisted on helping me put all the laundry away. It’s only taken us 6 hours & 10 minutes & apparently pants go in the fridge now.
Happy 3 year anniversary to working in a coffee shop at 6AM and my first customer was this lady in a fox costume on her way to surprise chase her daughter, who was afraid of mascots, down the street in Chicago
i love it when my pets sigh like what ails you my little unemployed freeloader