Where do cicadas go when they’re not screaming? I’d like to go there and scream.
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Me: I need to make better life choices.
Also me: CAKE FOR BREAKFAST IT IS.
I admire my upstairs neighbours’ commitment to cleanliness as they fire up their diesel-powered vacuum to clean their hardwood floors at 11:43 pm
I’m not sure if this is the same kind of plague, but I smeared my period blood on the door frame just in case.
me: I’m unable to stop making jokes
doctor: you can’t be serious
me: that’s right
Dear ladies,
if you compliment a man’s car when he’s standing next to it, he’ll kick the car’s tires. Please don’t make it weird by asking why we are kicking the car. Nobody asks why you rub nonexistent hair off your forehead when we tell you you look beautiful.
The new Samsung phone shares every picture you take with all your friends as soon as you take it.
Good idea. What could possibly go wrong?
I’m slowly replacing people in my life with different snack foods.
hello secretary? i need you to go to that website where you can combine pokemon and combine mew and squirtle, print it out and bring it here
Wife: I am angry with you.
Husband: Again or Still ?
I hope the final frame of Breaking Bad is white text on black background: “None of this would have happened if we had Universal Healthcare.”
*Power goes out*
Wife: I can’t see!*Shoes light up*
Me: Ha! Whose shoes were “a waste of money” & “clearly meant for a large child” now?!
*Takes one earbud out*
*Hears kids fighting*
*Puts earbud back in*
One time I was so sad I wrote an entire Radiohead album.
*running from the cops at night* DAMN THESE LIGHT-UP SHOES.
Kids are like I know this paper heart is from a ripped burrito wrapper I picked out of the gutter but it reminds me of you and you must keep it forever and ever till you die.
I feel like I’d really make more progress on my goal of being more positive if everyone wasn’t such a huge piece of shit all the time
Taking applications for a semi pro story telling back scratcher.
Must work nights.
5: Mom, look at me!
Me: I’m in the shower
5: Look at me!
Me: I can’t!
5: Because you’re in the shower?
Me: Yes!
5: Fine, but can you just look at me?!
Ask yourself, “do I like finding socks in every room of the house?” and if the answer is yes, unprotected sex is right for you.
New year new me, I say as I get a new me out of deep freeze and bury the old me in the woods
Surgeon: I need someone to unroll this bandage, stat!
Cat nurse, excitedly: I’ve got this.
When you’re not sure if people keep waving at you you might need to ease up on the hellocinogens
FOOL people into thinking you’re a time traveller by angrily demanding what year it is
JUDGE: I may send u to jail. But if u act less condescending, I’ll let u go free
ME [waving goodbye to my family] u mean condescendingLY
My bank statement looks like a 9 yr old stole my debit card & used it to eat lunch at every shitty place he could think of for a month.
There’s no I in team, but there’s one in IKEA cuz I’m the only one putting together this damn Fjällbo
Personal Trainer: What do you want to work on today?
Me: To stop getting the name of the exercises wrong
Personal Trainer: Anything else?
Me: plonks, plunges, and squaps
They irony of being hit by a Dodge.
Hot girls tweet things like “his words. my curves. pain. my soul. barbecue sauce” and get 27k likes WTF is this app
(Ok don’t let her know ur Jesus)
Girl: Meet my dad
*they shake hands*
*Dad stands up from wheelchair*
Dad: It’s a miracle!
Jesus: *facepalm*