My boss bought a breathalyzer for our office because everyone comes back from lunch drunk. My personal best is .16
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I wish people would stop holding back and use social media to tell us how they really feel
I miss lying to closest friends about where i am on my transit journey
Reasons to carry a handkerchief:
3) You’ve never heard of tissues
2) You’re doing a magic trick
1) You’re hiding your face to rob a train
the average goat is 9 carrots tall if you measure goats in carrots
[inventing oatmeal]
make sure it never comes out of the bowl once it dries
After a long day of weeding, I just sat down in the grass to drink some water. Suddenly I felt unnerving crawly sensations on my backside. Christ, I didn’t know “ants in your pants” was an actual thing!!! 🐜
Now that I am a parent I am confident that the reason my parents had to “check my Halloween candy” was NOT because of razor blades and drugs.
Wife told me she’d been “really getting into animal security camera videos” recently and I had her show me one to see what she meant. You’ll need sound:
Always trust your dog’s first impression of someone.
I fail to see how his relationship status is of any relevance
Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer. Marry your enemy. Grow old together. Watch your enemy die.
Can’t. About to go please some beans
I got gas today for $1.39. Unfortunately, it was at Taco Bell!!
[hands mom flowers on Mother’s day]
thanks for a life of sacrifice, these cost me twenty bucks
In retrospect, “Metallica” is a hilarious name for a metal band.
It’s like a Bob Dylan calling himself “Ol’ Folksy.”
[at my funeral]
pastor: hey this casket is empty
me [whispering from the bushes]: get to the part where everyone cries
Me: mic is short for microphone
My kid: so my uncle’s name is Microphone?!
Breakfast Club: don’t you forget about me
Fight Club: forget you have a whole other personality
“What if we put wheels on this toilet?”
*inventor of the RV
[Observation Ward]
Me: *thinking aloud* Santa Monica implies the existence of Santa Chandler, Santa Ross-
Doctor 1: Take his phone
Doctor 2: I did that three hours ago
Doctor 1: Ugh… give it back maybe?
I do my best yoga when I’m trying to reach an M&M that rolled under my desk.
#OddReasonsToCallInSick
I have to give my cat a bath
one time i was listening to some really cool people having a conversation when one of them suddenly turned to me & asked, “what are you doing here?”
I’m 38 and still have no idea what to do with my hands while I’m being arrested.
My well-meaning colleague was extolling the virtues of Vitamin D supplementation to me by saying “Most of us need more D than we’re getting and it’s almost impossible for us to get enough D naturally so we need to get our D from other sources” and I kept SUCH A STRAIGHT FACE
[reclining with sliced cucumber on my eyes]
My passengers: “Aaaaaaaaaaah!”
Him: How close is the storm?
Me: Let me check
*laptop blows away*
Pretty close.
If you put healing crystals in a sock and beat someone with it do they cancel each other out?
I try not to worry about things outside of my control, or things that are the direct result of my deliberate choices.
me talking to family:
▶🔘──────── 00:02me talking to friends:
▶ 🔘──────── 00:06me going through the Wiki pages for the Netflix ‘Popples’ series & live action Flintstones movies:
▶ 🔘──────── 1:54:28