TRUMP: I’m gonna lose, huh?
RYAN: Yes.
[silence]
TRUMP: Thank God.
RYAN: I know
TRUMP: I’d be SO bad at it
RYAN: We literally all might die
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I lost my tesau…thesor…word book.
🤣🤣🤣😆 Easy assemble?
Irony is Westboro Baptist Church protesters writing “God Hates Fags” on rainbow colored signs.
Exterminators: The only profession in which you put yourself out of business by being really good at your job.
Selena Gomez’s friend gave her a kidney and Meghan Markle’s friend set her up with a prince and I’m not saying I’m ungrateful for my friends but I am saying that they really need to step it up
Me: *gets on scale*
5yo: Whoa! That’s a lot of points!
Pilot, to passengers: Bit of a…uhhhh…problem on the flight deck…ahhhh…anyone know how much the average woodchuck might be able to…uhhhh…chuck?
Guy who loves tongue twisters: *whispering* It’s my time…
[at the store]
Me: Your powers are weak, old man
Wife: …
Me: The force is strong with this one
Wife: …
Me: Together we can rule the galaxy
Wife: …
Me: Luuuuuuuke, I am your father
Wife: Can you just pick out a damn fan already?
“I didn’t choose the thug life.” I explain, entering an institution of higher learning.
The best part about getting older is now when my friends make me mad I just give their kids a gift that contains glitter.
Surfing is a good choice for people who like skateboarding but wish it had more sharks.
I caught my husband eating the last of the ice cream last night. First of all, we are supposed to be dieting together. Second of all, I was going to eat that.
It’s wildly known that all the great artists of the renaissance era loved eating pizza in sewers.
Anyone with really healthy kidneys interested in a tweet up?
Popeye was heart healthy because he liked to eat spinach and Olive Oil.
When someone reads your message, then never responds, it’s just hurtful.
I mean, what else could they possibly have going on at 3 AM?
ibopfufen
Me: I love you
7yo: I love you too
Me: l love you to infinity
7yo: I love you to infinity too
Me: l love you more than ice cream
7yo:
7yo: what flavor?
Drug dealers are always late. If your drug dealer is on time, it’s the police.
9: [who only had 97 snacks today] Are we ever gonna eat dinner?
Grim Reaper: I’m here for the sole!
Waiter: *whimpering* omg can I… can I say bye to my family?
Grim Reaper: uh, no, the fish special.
Steven: I love you
Stephen: I lophe you too
Breaking news:
Enters supermarket with a long list.
Exits with a six pack and rotisserie chicken.
My newsfeed fills with “recommended tweets” based on my likes and retweets.
Me: YOU DON’T KNOW ME
Also me: oh look a puppy! *retweet
DAMMIT!
Mall security asked me to empty my pockets.
My response was “you won’t find a better job or respect in my pockets”
Who wants a McKnuckle sandwich?
Hey Facebook…Meta sounds like the name of Elon Musk’s next girlfriend.
My favorite part of Easter is when, after dinner, the whole family gets together and reads letters about how my drinking has affected them.
Her: I love it when we finish each other’s
Him: pancakes