me: [holding knife] ok i’m not gonna cry this time
onion: hey remember the end of that movie about the dog
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God *creates a worm* hello little buddy!
Worm: Thanks for the “worm” welcome haha
God *creates birds*
Gary born
Gary child
Gary teenager
Gary middle-aged
Gary Oldman
wicked witch: i’ll get you, my pretty! and your little dog, too!
me: omg u think im pretty?
Make sure to make eye contact with the hottest person in the room as you stuff a burrito into your mouth
I can clear that with ease, Elsie! Frankly, your lack of confidence is insulting.
20 seconds later:
I was pretty nervous doing stand-up in front of a bunch of nudists but then I imagined the crowd in their underwear and it helped so much.
Seriously though, how do Gremlins know when it’s after midnight?
This is literally the best thing I’ve ever seen happen on Twitter
A restaurant specifically for people in their thirties and over with flattering lighting, tums for appetizers and complimentary advil with every drink order
My kids found their Kit Kats and then accused me of hiding them. Like WTF, how shameful are these kids to go into my closet?
Volkswagen Italy, please never change your Instagram handle.
Gf: We’re gonna be late for our dinner reservation
Me: Hang on, I’m right at the end of my book
Gf: FFS he’s there, behind that tree
Me: Waldo you rascal!
How come when everyone else heats up sugar they get caramel and I get a higher fire insurance premium?
My grandma tries to avoid her neighbor who has a crush on her. This is the exchange they just had:
Him: have you eaten dinner yet
Her: I don’t eat
Your body is like Wonderbread…
Your body is a Rubberband…
Your body is like Disneyland…John Mayer first drafts.
[dinner]
SIS: I have allergies.
BRO: Nothing worse this time of year.
ME: I have a guy who couldn’t pronounce a safe word and is in a coma.
I’ve not watched The Traitors and to be honest it’s not as good as not watching Love Island
when my nephew says the bad word i taught him:
If the stick figure people started committing more crimes… I could be a legendary sketch artist for the FBI.
I’d love this before and after shot…lol
DOCTOR: We were all out of blood for your transfusion so we used Mountain Dew
ME: [I don’t hear bc I already snowboarded out the window]
Her: What are you thinking about right now?
Me: If I was an eel I’d have a little fish that lived in my mouth and I’d never need to floss
FRIEND: Say “fork” 10 times.
ME: Fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork.
FRIEND: Now what do you eat cereal with.
ME: Milk.
The Conjuring 3:
Evil spirits torment another single mom & her kids.
The kids torment them back.
They’re better at it.
The spirits flee.
“But, Daddy, I don’t want to shower, because after I’m done with the shower, and before I dry off, I’m really soaked…”
– My kid, coping with the realization that water is wet.
my therapist challenged me to get out of my comfort zone so i stopped watching tv in the living room and switched to the basement
Me: This guy *slides photo across table* I want you to shoot him in the leg
Hitman: This is a photo of you
Me: My wife wants me to try zumba
“Hey buddy, you wanna buy a harmonica?” I opened my coat and got hit by a gust of wind, making the worst sound in the world
Me: *mopping floor* don’t slip
3yo: *walks by*
Me: *slips*
3yo: like that?
Me: just leave okay