I used to have a friend who was trying to name her soon-to-be-born son, and she confided in me that the hardest part of pregnancy was not drinking. I suggested she name the kid “Chip,” like an AA chip, and I laughed and laughed. We’re not friends anymore
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It’s with great sadness that I must say goodbye to you all!
My boyfriend and I argued over how much time I spend on here. He said I must choose between y’all or him. So, I’m gonna be offline for a couple minutes while I help him pack & call him an Uber … I’ll be right back
I always eat free range chicken… free range fish, free range hot dogs & free range ramen. (Somebody gave me this old stove)
Monday mornings as a stay-at-home parent are kind of like cleaning up after a massive house party that you weren’t even invited to.
“My god,” the explosives specialist says. “The bomb’s diffuser is hooked up to a ridiculously difficult sudoku that has to be solved in under 6 minutes!”
I slowly look up. My time has come…
*bitten by radioactive penguin
*gains ability to not fly
The tag on my jeans says “Relaxed” so it obviously doesn’t have children.
[tries to walk into my How to Use a Revolving Door class and ends up outside again] what the heck
In high school I wasn’t quite able to talk myself into joining the debating team.
*I open the curtains with a smile, enjoying the gentle breeze on my naked body*
ME: Good morning, world!
CURTAIN STORE MANAGER: Call the police, Karen… He’s back.
“Mommy when I grow up, I want to be a shoe”
-straight up killin’ it at this parenting thing
seems fine
Me: “Want a banana?”
3yo: “Yes, but don’t cut it up. And don’t peel it. And don’t make it be a banana. Make it be a waffle.”
[first day as a mechanic]
ME: i would say this car is haunted
10: “What are we doing today?
Me: “We’re gonna make tacos.”
10: “Then what are we going to do?”
Me: “…I’ll be eating tacos.”
My wife just sighed from the other room, which can only mean one of 1,850 things.
Finally found a job ad that didn’t mention ‘attention to detail’ or ‘team player’. Finally!
By iPhone 30, you’ll have a choice. Whether to buy an iPhone or an island in the Caribbean.
As my kid gets older he goes to bed later, which means he hangs out longer, which means *I* have to stay up later to get my alone time, which means by the time he’s 13, I’ll be going to bed at sunrise.
[at the club]
Bouncer: Sir, you can’t bring that it in
Me: Ok (taking off nunchucks)
Bouncer: No, those are okay…take off the fanny pack
Remember how judgey we thought we’d be if our kid said “wow! My teacher drinks a lot”
I just asked my friend to come over and “play husband”. He’s gonna be pissed when he finds out we are putting together shelves from ikea.
Flat Earthers must lose their minds when they realize it’s called the atmosphere and not the atmoflat
Just got 30 orange oval stickers printed that read NOW HAMSTER FREE
I’m putting them on all the meatloaf packages in this supermarket
Toy story 2 has yet to explain how a stuffed horse kept pace with a commercial aircraft taking off on a runway
BOSS: Can I see you in my office?
INVISIBLE-MAN: [sigh] I don’t know how many more ways I can explain this to you
My God: dead.
My world: disenchanted.
My invitation on LinkedIn: declined.
My kid, holding a jug of apple juice:
“Mommy can you open this?”Me, in the shower:
“Ask your father.”
This did not end as expected.
I hate when someone you love says mean things like, “It’s time to wake up.”
“How about we go with a gerund, but, like, maybe just half a gerund.”
– How ING Bank got its name