Someone: Im in town!
New Yorkers: OMFG!! That’s so great! Have fun!!!!
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Ex-Wife: hey kids who wants to go for an ice cream sundae?
Me: [trying to one-up her] hey kids who wants to go for an ice cream RIGHT NOW!
UBER: Sounds better than “Let’s get in this strange man’s car!”
Sex tip: if you get bored you can always end the sex simply by saying “I have ejaculated.”
[after 47 minutes of listening]
okay usually when someone says “what is wrong with me” it’s rhetorical but thanks for the feedback
Packing in my 20s: Toothbrush and bikini
Packing in my 30s: Those things plus a swim suit cover up, 3 face creams, hair products to cover up postpartum hair loss, spanks, sensible shoes, and denture cream.
I’d like to criticize your fidget spinner but I used to own a pet rock.
[watching Boogie Nights]
age 19: OMG Rollergirl is sexy.
age 37: OMG wearing rollerskates during sex is dangerous. How is she still alive?
ATTENTION ALABAMA RESIDENTS: tonight’s penumbral lunar eclipse is perfectly natural. The moon is undamaged. Gay people are not stealing it.
just walked in on my son playing cards against humanity by himself like solitaire
If you’re telling a story to a group and are interrupted and then no one asks you to continue, ruin their party by drowning in the pool.
the nerve of a majority of people i meet being younger than me. how dare them
I can’t believe “still uses Winamp” is a pre-existing condition now. This feels personal.
I’d hire this kid in 10 years.
My doctor told me, “If you don’t quit smoking, it doesn’t really matter how poorly you eat” and that was the best day of my life.
4: The baby has a lot of skin!
Me: I think he has a normal amount of skin…
4:
Me: ….definitely the right amount of skin for him….
4:
Me: Please don’t do anything to his skin.
*survives trip to grocery store
*checks in as “safe” on Facebook
It’s raining.
I’m going to be late for work.
I can’t fit my hair in the car.
My 11yo said if it wasn’t for him I wouldn’t have a twitter account, and I’m just glad he’s finally taking some responsibility.
“Hey. You sleeping? No? Whatcha thinkin about? Hey. Did you hear me? Hey. Hey. Ok. You’re boring. I’m leaving… Jk I’m back. Hey” – Birds
Thank goodness my food comes pre-murdered. I don’t know if I could do that.
Me: How do I let someone know that I like them?
Her: Always start with eye contact
Me: *Pokes her in the eyes Three Stooges style*
bet marie kondo is wishing she had more shit in her house right about now.
Child: [crying]
Me: OMG WHAT’S WRONG?
Child: My science grade dropped to a B+!
Me [who at the age of 53 learned that a lamb is a baby sheep and not a completely different animal]: Well you’ll just have to try harder.
When a proctologist fixes a problem, do they say it’s been rectified?
Praying that Donald Trump is really just Ashton Kutcher performing his most elaborate prank yet.
No, autocorrect, switching “generics” to “gerbils” in the message I sent to my doctor without proofreading first was actually extremely helpful, thank you for that.
[examining human DNA]
Okay, that’s one twisted step ladder.
Shout out to the top 5 suits in the world, 3-piece, zoot, swim, law and birthday.
Genie: I’ll give you more wishes, I feel bad for you
Me: [with 3 ice cream cones on the ground] That’s very nice of you
Breakfast: “Coffee, please.”
Lunch: “Just grilled chicken over a small salad.”
Dinner: “I’ll take a wheelbarrow full of lasagna and enough chocolate to kill a horse.”