It’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas (I have dandruff)
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getting home from the airport opening my bag to find nothing but 99 packs of frozen hotdogs. one missing
Sorry folks, Twitter’s broken. Moose out front should have told you.
You kids are lucky with your selfies, back in my day we had 27 blind attempts, a 24 hour waiting period and a $15 investment
doctor: and how long has your most recent panic attack been going on
me: probably since the summer of 2015
so proud of america. only 8 years after electing first black pres, we’re considering electing our first orange one
some days i’m on top of this parenting game. other days I buy 2 bags of donuts and throw them and the kids outside.
Dr. says I have an enlarged heart thanks doc I already know I’m super nice just trying to figure out why I can’t breathe when I eat chips
Now that replies are broken this feels like a good time to let everyone know that I’ve always thought Buffalo sauce is sour trash.
Her: Does your dog do any tricks?
Me: I taught him to lie on the bed
Her: That’s not impressive lol
Dog: *gets on bed* I wrote Harry Potter
A lot of people cry when they chop onions. The trick is not to form an emotional bond.
*wife icing waiter’s jaw while I talk to the police*
“I thought he said boner petite”
First time at a chinese supermarket. Staff: “What u want?” Me: “What’s dead?”
Me: These five words I swear to you, when you breathe I want-
Him: Stop singing to the mustard
Me: *stands up and closes fridge* Whatever.
Do you think you’d make a good sniper?
[ ] Yes •
[ ] No •
•
•
•
I’m Puerto Rican, but not “carries a knife in my purse everywhere I go” Puerto Rican.
Sometimes it’s in my bra.
[comedy club]
GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?
TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it
Me *digging my own grave*: see, I do have to do EVERYTHING around here
[job interview]
Interviewer: “Describe yourself in 2 words.”
Me: “Atinubs. Econsibu.”
Interviewer: “You’re hired. Welcome to CAPTCHA.”
Please stop inviting me to exotic islands and hunting me for sport. It’s mean and it hurts my feelings
Being married means never admitting you were the last one to see the item that is now lost.
Saturday
Spider: what do you mean I don’t qualify??
Army Recruiter: look buddy, this isn’t the leggy
Boss: Are you going to do any work today?
Me: Has it been optional this whole time?
One Flew Over The Cuckoo’s Nest is my favorite book about Twitter
I neither like nor want to date Taylor Swift, but I know at some point it’ll just be my turn.
How about the people in fast food commercials look like they actually eat fast food?
*watches TV*
GET AN ANONYMOUS ONLINE QUOTE NOW!
*logs on*
“You’re a giant idiot and your parents are very disappointed in you” – Anonymous
Shawty has them Apple Bottom jeans, boots with the fur, gloves with the skin, shirt with the scales, hat with the shell, belt with th
Can’t believe it’s December again, 2023 seems like yesterday.
Avocado Toast was invented by the Deep State as a way to suppress the economic advancement of millennials