A restaurant nearby was burglarized and concerned neighborhood residents awakened from sleep by the extra loud helicopter the police sent to deal with it are getting to the bottom of whether or not the restaurant’s food is good
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Child: I can’t wait to be older.
Me [tweezing grey hairs growing out of my ear]: There is literally no greater joy.
Me: This is a weird looking but comfortable toilet!
Masseuse: Sir that’s the hole to put your face in, I – OH DEAR GOD!!
Baby, turn it up so I can hear the captions better
The bar sign said
“WiFi password since1938”
And I was like wow that’s been your password for a long time
Me: [giggling] who is Thor’s favorite rapper?
Wife: I don’t know, MC Hammer?
Me: oh.
Wife: [sigh] what’s wrong?
Me: nothing…I mean…why did you say I don’t know if you clearly knew the answer.
I’m a little late to emojis. I can do heart (❤️) and I can do dinosaur (🦖), which pretty much covers any emotion I’m likely to have.
My local radio station is asking people to send in funny photographs taken when you were pissed.
So I’ve sent in my wedding album.
Ants can lift 20 times their bodyweight which is really helpful if you ever need help moving a single blade of grass.
Me asking everyone how they like their burger before I cook them all exactly the same
Sure I might have bitten someone today, but they deserved it.
IDK if you really want to impress me with your car…… get a food truck
i fact checked this, it’s true ☑️
Huge respect for Parasite, but Ford v Ferrari deserved to win just for the opening scene
I hate it when I’m at a red light, trying to find a good song, & someone honks when the light turns green.
Calm the hell down. It’ll turn green again.
Where is your GOD now????
I was mowing with earbuds. My mom pulls up. I motion I can’t hear. She gives OK sign and proceeds to motion by thumping her chest. Pointing to her house and puts up 9 fingers. Idk wtf is happening. She gets mad and speeds off. Cause ya know, it’s my fault obviously.
People who leave their underwear at parks are either awesome at sex or terrible at dressing raccoons.
son: i caught a tadpole!
me: actually that’s a dadpole
son: i’m confused
*from fishing net* hi confused, i’m dad
For a moment I thought it was Saturday, but then I realized it’s actually Sunday. The good news is now I have a story to tell at parties
Me: I must be out of my mind.
Me: You and me both.
[during sex]
Him: are you on your phone?
Me: it’s called live tweeting maybe you’ve heard of it
One of my biggest fear is being chased by Usain Bolt during zombie apocalypse.
There are two wolves inside of us? I’m pretty sure I have 2 raccoons inside of me and they’re fighting over an old can of beans they found in the trash.
I can’t believe I have appendicitis in the middle of a global pandemic. this is legit funny like can my body read the room one time???
me: how would you like the steak sir
sir: well done
me: thank you but how would you like the steak
Why doesn’t anyone invite copyeditors to parties when we’re such cool people out with whom to hang?
I have got to start making popcorn before I login to Twitter to watch my shows
My 7yo learned that a seal in French is a “phoque” and like every Canadian child before her, she is enjoying this sweet swear loophole to its fullest
If you’re happy and you know it…
Watch the news.
My advice for new parents is that when you feed your child their first chicken nugget to go ahead and start preparing your answer to the question “is this chicken like the animal chicken?” cause that moment is coming.