Turned the other cheek and found the tv remote.
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No one warns you about being a parent. So, be prepared to never have matching anything ever again
Tsunamis are caused by dolphins breakdancing to celebrate passing another IQ test.
Do guys with big trucks realize the only big trucks women find sexually attractive are food trucks?
have respect for every human life. we are all made in gods image. big computers on top. buncha important balloons in the middle. stilts.
My cat has made it very clear that we will not be getting rid of the box that I want to get rid of.
Jan. 1, 2021: We did it, guys! That awful year is behind us!
Aug. 4, 2021: The snake wolves have taken Illinois. Here’s what that means for Ohio volcano refugees.
Getting my drone stuck in the tree isn’t the worst thing that happened to me today.
But it’s definitely up there.
Monica just destroyed the internet
Might start docking extra points from students who aren’t smart enough to cheat on their distance learning vocab tests.
When Squidward lost his job and had to stay with Spongebob and he tried to tell Spongebob the TV didn’t work n Spongebob said THAT’S TWO THINGS THAT DON’T WORK 😭😭😭😭
Haven’t exercised in so long that my Fitbit just sent me a friend request.
I have a dream that my son will one day live in a nation where he will not be judged by the size of his boat but by the motion of his ocean.
HR: Alright people, let’s be a little more sensitive to Linda because she’s pregnant with child
Sally [who is pregnant with a hedgehog]: *sigh*
I will never forget the time that I helped interview a man for a job opening and when he was asked what he would contribute to the team he said “probably snacks”
My mother’s kitchen floor is so clean you could eat off it. You could eat off mine too, there’s all kinds of stuff down there.
The dismemberments will continue until morale improves now back to work
“What’s that?”
“It’s a therapy cat.”
“It looks like a chihuahua.”
“That’s why the therapy.”
JERRY: So apparently, the body keeps the score.
GEORGE: The body, eh?
KRAMER: Oh yeah.
GEORGE: I don’t know what my score is, but I got a feeling I lost.
JERRY: Two seconds you’ve known about this. You’re already sure you’re losing?
GEORGE: If a score’s being kept, I’m losing.
Sirens: *luring me to my death*
Me: *finger guns*
Sirens: Eww. Nevermind.
Welcome to your 40s, you now respond to every younger person telling you their age with “Jesus Christ”.
[joins a conga line]
me: I can leave any time I like
[someone joins behind]
me: oh no
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesitater.
A Florida police dog is being fired after biting two people; but to be fair, who wouldn’t want to hurt people from Florida?
So this guy tells me he likes the way my name is spelled..
Me~
Thanks I gotta say
I had absolutely nothing to do with it.. LoL
My husband thought that it was funny to add his name to the bottom of my to-do list, but the joke’s on him because I’m only doing 1 chore a day in the order that I wrote them and he’s number 26.
I like how Band-Aids come in 2 varieties: Stays on For a Second Before Falling Off or Needs WD-40 For Removal From Skin.
Chivalry isn’t dead. He’s just sleeping. Right, chivalry? CHIVALRY!?
7: [eating a bunch]
me:
7: I’m going thru a gross spurt.
me: that’s a good way to put it.
Baby, you’re a firework: You hold my interest for about 15 minutes and scare the shit out of my dog.
Husband: I’m going to take kids to do something fun today so you can relax.
Me: sounds awesome!
H: Will you get them ready for me?