Cop: *Hands me ticket
“I’ll see you in court.”Me: *Seductively winks
“Sure is a lot of trouble just to see me again.”Cop: …
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National Donut Day is like The Purge for delicious, round pastries.
Me: They were out of tampons, so I got you a box of bandaids instead.
Her:
*grabs walmart intercom*
WHY DID YOU LET ME GRAB THIS INTERCOM? I DON’T EVEN WORK HERE
*fighting noises*
YOU’RE GONNA LOSE YOUR JOB
Parents be like “why aren’t you eating, don’t you like my food?” and after you eat a ton, they’ll say “you look a little chubby, maybe you should eat less.”
Murder is like cilantro. You either love it. Or it tastes like soap.
Mom, you really should have taken the time to fix your hair this morning.
-my son, asking to be taken out of the will
*sees group of firemen standing around a campfire*
me: hEY leave that little guy alone
I was supposed to be taller, but I made it up with width for the sake of Geometry.
“What a brave fashion choice!” is the ninja of insults.
[bear approaches]
friend: make yourself look big!
me: YOURSELF
Sex with me is like a roller coaster. There’s lots of screaming and sometimes people fly out and die.
[museum]
Wheres the dinosaur bone exhibit?
“through that door”
Thank you very ruff!
“What’d you say?”
*2 dogs fall out of trench coat & run*
I wanted to buy Mariah Carey’s preferred brand of mouthwash, but my wife insisted we purchase Celine Dion’s. So we split up, citing irreconcilable diva rinses.
Me: I wish u’d bring back my 1st pet
Genie: No blood magic
Me: I wish politicians had to tell the truth
Genie: [sigh] what was ur pets name?
Atheists certainly have a lot to say about the nothing they believe in.
Interviewer: Is it true you are the first duck to be made a duke?
Duck: Please address me as ‘M’llard’
What do you mean normal people don’t remove their pants to eat dinner
The first thing to do today is find out where I parked the car and then try to remember why I’m still in it
[Airport terminal]
*waits at baggage claim area*
*an entire roast pig emerges on the carousel*
*I check the tag to make sure it’s mine*
idk who needs to hear this but if you ever need to move a lamb over a wall, here u go
2020 feels like trying to jog while both of your feet are asleep.
I’ll bet the guy who invented the snooze button never invented anything else.
thinking about how the Starbucks mermaid is slowly, but surely, getting closer, and we cannot stop her
But the snozzberries taste like snozzberries.
guys i’ve cracked the code
2yo’s favorite cartoon is teaching him about centrifugal force.
When I was little, my favorite cartoon taught me never to order from Acme.
Can you even call yourself a family if you’re not making at least one person upset with what you’re serving for dinner?
[Inspecting car]
*kicks tire*
“Mmhm just as I suspected, it can withstand a single kick.”
Dr: Do you limit your alcohol intake?
Me: Yes. As soon as I pass out, I’m done.
We must preserve our bookstores. There are so few places you can go to slide sideways on a ladder