You don’t care when my dog does it, is not an acceptable explanation for shitting on your neighbor’s lawn. I know this now.
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THEM: You can’t go wrong with this recipe.
ME: Watch me.
You know how your mom used to get mad and start counting? I think the Earth is at twwwoooo.
[jumps in getaway car after bank robbery]
“They said no I couldn’t have any money”
Damn it, they make it look so easy in the movies
Doughnuts alone won’t fill the emptiness in your soul…you’ll also need chocolate milk.
THEM: Hey–
ME: Ring ring. I gotta take this.
THEM: I just watched you say “ring ring.”
ME: Ring ring. Yeah, this is really important.
How to make infinite energy.
Remember it’s Christmas. You need to check your elf before you wreck your shelf
Standing in the liquor store, trying to decide if tonight’s dose of self-loathing and regret should have a screw-top or a cork.
That awkward laugh when they’ve said something innocuous, but you’re thinking something incredibly dirty.
7: Today in school we had to write 4 sentences about what we ate for breakfast his morning.
Me:
Him:
Me: I forgot to give you breakfast, didn’t I.
me: (singing) it’s the i of the tiger
tger: give it back
why is covid-19 trending does anyone know
Don’t let anyone talk you into dropping a grudge. I quit carrying mine around and I’m pretty sure that’s when my arms got flabby.
Called this psychic hotline today but a woman answered the phone saying “how can I help you?” So I hung up and tried another one.
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
Wore my hair in a ponytail to Walmart
and 4 people asked me to defend them
in Drug Possession Cases.Court starts Monday.
[waking up in an amniotic pod realizing I am a human battery powering the Machines]:
lol this is so Capricorn.
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: oh that’s a brilliant question
Interviewer: But what’s the answer?
Me: Sarcasm
Them: what is dumbest thing you have done?
Me: you mean like today?
Smiling releases endorphins in your body, which relieves stress.
All I have to do now is explain that to my proctologist when he’s done.
You are what you delete.
[running away from killer]
KILLER: YOU’RE GONNA TRIP ON YOUR SHOELACES THEN I’LL GET U
ME: MY SHOES ARE VELCRO
KILLER: NOOOOOOOOOOOO
My signature move is parking closely to the sports car at the end of the lot taking up four spaces.
Yes, but you should see the other pea
~Black eyed pea probably
My dancing style can best be described as “newborn gazelle being chased by lion.”
NYC’s response to historic flooding will be adding kayak lanes to all city streets.
I’d get my mind out of the gutter, but I think it’s wrong to remove an animal from its natural habitat.
JOURNEY:
🎶Strangers, waiting,🎶
🎶Up and down the boulevard🎶
🎶Their shadows searching in the night!🎶ME: Now, wait just a goshdarn minute. How in the heck can you have shadows at night??
JOURNEY:
🎶Streetlights,🎶
🎶people🎶ME: Ah. Carry on.
My mom announced her retirement yesterday, and her boss immediately started expressing concerns about all the tax penalties she’d incur by taking Social Security “early.”
And that’s how my mom found out everybody at work thought she was 15 years younger than her actual age.
The only downside is the realization that several people at work knew how old her children were, meaning a lot of people have been operating under the assumption she had a lot of kids in high school.
Saw a house on zillow with a built-in wine fridge and it’s no longer for sale, so that will always be the one that got away