first my neighbor liked my electric fencing, then he was on the fence, and now he’s dead set against it
You Might Also Like
Girl seeing my torn jeans
Where’d you get those?!
*remembers trying to pee on a hill & stumbling backwards through thorn bushes*
The Gap.
My whole life I would put old bananas in the trash but when I got married I learned that first they go in the freezer to sit for a long time and then they go in the trash.
Promises so empty, you thought it was your bank account
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
Son #1 put our house on Yelp and left a review that said the food is good but the kitchen staff is grumpy.
Let’s all bow our heads and pray for my husband who very tragically asked me what I did all day.
*8YO arguing*
Me: I‘ll call Santa, right now and tell him…
8YO: Well I’ll call the PTA to volunteer you …
Me: You win
not being able to fall asleep is so embarrassing. All I’m asking my brain to do is nothing and it can’t even do that?
I’m ready for Halloween this year
Age is just a number. Unfortunately it’s a number that just keeps getting bigger and bigger.
Had to go to grocery store this morning. Out of habit, I put on lipstick. Had to take it off to put on my mask because the last thing I need is to look like the Joker on top everything else going wrong in this world.
It’s possible to eat 7 and a half Tillamook cheese snack portions before you feel sick. Someone had to find out for the rest of you.
I overheard 16 tell 12 to come wish me a Happy Mother’s Day. Her response, “I’ve been doing it for 11 years, I think I deserve a break.”
So….guess who has dishes duty today!? And I’m going to use EVERY damn cup, plate and silverware in this house.
This food was amazing! Give my compliments to the chef
*waiter peeks head into kitchen*
“You’re beautiful Gary”
*Gary starts blushing*
[1907. the first convenience store opens]
GUY WHO INVENTED INCONVENIENCE STORES: damn
Friend: oh my god there’s two of you
My evil clone: I’m the real one, I swear
Me: [remembering I promised I’d go out and socialise tonight] yea she’s right
911: what’s your emerg-
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
911: …why would you interrupt me like that?
The older I get, the more I understand why Squidward is always so annoyed.
Making myself into different art styles day 2: Andy Warhol
daughter: there’s a monster under my bed
me: why do you think that?
daughter: because when i stick my foot out of the cover the monster grabs it
me: [to son] have you been hiding under your sister’s bed?
son: *sighs* yes
me: did you see a monster under there
According to my neighbor’s rooster, it’s 5am now.
Also according to my neighbor’s rooster, we’re having fried chicken for dinner tomorrow.
“Grampa, how did you support gay marriage? Did you march like civil rights ppl?”
“No. Marching’s hard. I tweeted about it.”
The French word for sex is croissant.
Hubs: *Climbing ladder to put baby bird back in nest* [at my request]
*Falls off ladder*
Me: Oh my God, is the bird okay?
“How would you like your eggs?”
“Whipped up and inside a chocolate cake please.”
SNOW WHITE: so how’d you get your names?
SNEEZY: I sneeze a lot
SLEEPY: I sleep a lot
GRUMPY: my wife left me
[interview]
HIM: What are your strengths?
ME: Well, I can see dead people.
HIM: Wow, interesting. Any hobbies?
ME: Grave digging
Dear God, please turn my whistling coworker into a bird so he can fly far, far far away from here.
Got my ponytail stuck in the paper shredder again.
*cancels haircut appt*