Sure, sex ed is an important class but if you want teens to fully grasp the consequences of sex, have them spend a few min with a toddler. My 3yo just cried for a solid 20 min cuz I wouldn’t “take the hair off” my head. If that doesn’t convince teens to use condoms, nothing will.
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[first day as a waiter]
customer: excuse me, there’s a fly in my soup??
me: so sorry about that! *drops a spider in the soup* that should take care of it
Word.
~ Microsoft.
Last night my mother-in-law read me all her political retweets.
How was your night?
Certain people have been making very hurtful remarks about my choosing to wear mittens rather than gloves
But I don’t like to point fingers
Please take your Apple Watch off if you are wearing a dress or formal attire. You look like a spy kid
Today, after my mom got vaccinated, she insisted on 8 gallons of pistachio ice cream. Who’s the kid now?
i wear a mask when i sleep, because who knows who’s going to come into an Arby’s bathroom this close to the highway
The biggest threat to mankind is aliens somehow receiving transmissions of Xbox Live conversations and deciding to just blow up the planet.
Horrifying if literal: Robert Burns
COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *hands him a puppy and drives off*
[3 years later]
COP *walking his dog*: wait a second…
do singers know a song will be big beforehand? like that snow white hi-ho song, no way those lil’ dudes knew, they were just mining and shit
This librarian isn’t even wearing glasses! I’m not even going to ask her where a book is. She’s not going to know.
me: hey cat what are you up to
cat: ʜᴀɪʟ ʟᴜᴄɪᴘᴜʀʀ
me: what
cat: meow
I told my friends, family and dentist that I chipped my tooth recently because Storm Isha blew the garden door into my face at high speed. The truth is that I was actually playing tug of war with our Alsatian dog, by holding the other end of the rope in my teeth.
It’s not a dog if it fits in your handbag.
Don’t propose with a diamond, that’s so yesterday. Propose with a pair of oven mitts, at least she’ll knows what she’s getting herself into.
My doctor says I should try running with scissors.
I saw that post about caramelizing onions taking 90 minutes and i just want to know why that person found every onion in the tri-county area and put it in a small cast iron pan
It’s like yeah, guy, if you put eighty onions in a thimble, it’s gonna take a fortnight to caramelize
I knew my 5yo was growing up too fast when he tried to take his shoes off and said “I don’t like bending down anymore”
I now pronounce you slowly and phonetically.
Dr: do you have kids?
me: yes I have 3 kids
Dr: do you drink?
me: yes I have 3 kids
Oh we’ve met.
Computer dating is fine… if you are a computer.
Please checkout my YouTube channel and learn how to quickly remodel your kitchen in only three years.
me: congrats, when is the baby due
pregnant librarian: oh it’s mine i get to keep it
Don’t give a women flower, she may have hay fever.
Don’t give her chocolate, she may be on a diet!
Give her wifi so there’s no excuse.
If you ever hate someone, give their kid a whistle.
My wife has been leaving jewelry catalogs all over the house.
So, Ive taken the hint.
Got her a magazine rack!
Fact: you spend an average of 3.7 hrs of your life in the pantry looking for the ‘damn’ paprika
Tell me you get it…🤣