Had a dream Andrew Garfield & I were being chased & he started rubbing sand on my arm & I was like, “why?” And he was all, “it’ll help mate” but he was only rubbing one arm & then I woke up to my cat aggressively licking that arm cause he was hungry
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Recipe comment: I didn’t use any of the spices and replaced chicken stock with some liquid I squeezed from an old pillow I found on the highway. 0 stars tastes like shit
Vegans think they will live longer than us, but they don’t realize they are 100 times more likely to be murdered mid conversation.
I knew all that yoga stretching and bending would come in useful some day…
…I thought to myself as I contorted my entire body to retrieve a mini chocolate egg that had rolled under the bed.
Funny because it’s true. 🤣
wanna know what’s worse than being cheated on? finding out he’s trying to cheat but nobody wants him 😭
Good Flirts: I’m enjoying getting to know you and don’t want it to stop.
Better Flirts: I’m trying so hard not to kiss you right now.
Me Flirting: Did you know, according to NASA, 1993’s Jurassic Park is the 7th most scientifically accurate film ever made?
God: Hmm now where did I leave that fish? It couldn’t possibly have grown legs and walked away
Darwin: lol ur not gonna believe this
Animal behavior can warn you when an earthquake is coming.
Like the night before the last earthquake,our dog took the car keys and drove off
i like how every TEDtalk ever is just like “organize your time better” and everyone says “revolutionary, thank you”
Video games don’t encourage violence nearly as much as piñatas do
Sorry I’m late, there was an octopus throwing pies at me so I was literally… Occupied
my daughter has been thrusting her stuffed animals in my face for me to kiss, but I’m being very selective so she learns to have standards
Dolls have given us an unrealistic image of women. For example, Russian women do not contain smaller Russian women inside them.
Meeting the love of your life on Twitter is a crapshoot, it may go really well or his mom may unplug the Wi-Fi.
Currently being yelled at by my sour patch 5yo daughter for “not playing Barbies right” bc I decided to make mine a 9-year-old girl from Brooklyn who sounds like she has smoker’s lung and lives above a pizzeria.
“Those aren’t the variants you’re looking for” –
Obicron Kenobi
Why is my kid asking me to play go fish like I didn’t birth her a twin and a brother for this exact reason?
man…im so hungry i could-
*i catch eye contact with a horse*
“you could what?”
*shows his gun*
i could.. eat a sandwich
“thought so.”
What’s the most upsetting moment in every movie? I say it’s when the hero goes into bar and orders “a beer,” never says what kind, and the bartender doesn’t ask
To the Audi hogging the road:
Sir, money means nothing to me. I will turn your Audi into an innie real quick!
Friend: Show her you will go the extra mile.
[Later]
Her: You passed our stop.
Me: I am aware.
I peed so hard that a little laugh came out
Awww yeah it’s almost 4:20 you know what that means
(I need to go for a walk NOW bc it’s gonna be dark in 30 minutes)
Me: Do you ever get the feeling that people are laughing at you behind your back?
My husband: Not really
Me: You’re not very perceptive
I, for one, like it when blackberry seeds get stuck in my teeth at breakfast. Gives me little mouth missions to accomplish throughout the day.
Girl: do you have a condom?
Me: c’mon what’s the worst that could happen
*hears a knock on the door
4: daddy I think I started a fire
I threw a parking cone at someone. I am the drunkest person in the United states.
me: *leaving the bathroom* trust me you do not want to go in there
friend: that bad huh
me: you have no idea
[earlier in the bathroom]
man in the corner: *throwing pennies*
me: please *ow* stop *ow* throwing *ow* pennies *ow* at *ow* me
store clerk: can I help you find anything
me: yes *hands over where’s waldo book*
most librarians are not supportive of me practicing mime despite 𝘤𝘭𝘦𝘢𝘳𝘭𝘺 adhering to the volume guidelines