Cute guy: Is this seat taken?
Me: (ok, play it cool) No. *smiles*
Him: *takes chair away*
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If the person driving right in front of me comes to a complete stop at a stop sign, I’m like “that was enough for the both of us.”
My kid asked me for a boomerang so I handed him the apple that has gone back and forth in his lunch for the past week
My suicide notes just keep turning into grocery lists.
Having a bad vocabulary is very bad
My 5-year-old loves pickles so much that I have to cut her off like she’s some drunk dude at a bar, “you’ve had enough, buddy.”
Nutritionist: Let’s identify those triggers that stop you from eating well, they could be subtle
M: I guess the main one is being awake
N:..
lost boys: how’d the prank on captain hook go?
peter pan: oh you guys are gonna love this HAHA I cut off his hand LOL and i FED IT TO THE CROCODILE 🙂
lost boys:
peter pan: so funny
lost boys: you’re a sociopath
How Am I Doing? I’ll Tell You How I’m Doing Volumes: 1-8
Bagpipes.
An octopus-shaped instrument in a plaid skirt that sounds like a Canadian goose with a foot trapped in an escalator.When played with proper accompaniment, they somehow sound marvelous!
Your daughter seems to have nice boyfriends. They all seem to be involved in community service.
Simba, everything the light touches is our kingdom
“wat abot that shadowy place. by 5pm it wil be in the sun”
..who told you about science
If a recipe does not call for cheese, I’m gonna assume they forgot it and add an entire large bag. Well 3/4 of bag cause I ate some of it.
Condoms do not guarantee safe sex.
A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot by the woman’s husband.
Sometimes I cross things off my to-do list that I haven’t done.
To remind myself that I control the list.
Principal: about your son…
Dad: our son?
Mom: is he ok??
Principal: yes, yes. but you see, we’ve found that your son is cool. very cool. far too cool to have parents like you. [hits the intercom] Betty, please bring them in.
[Betty enters with cooler parents]
Dr: You’ve gained some weight
Me: You said I should take it easy
Dr: That was a yr ago & you were sick
Me: WELL I’M NOT A MIND READER
I eat boiled eggs, cabbage, and baked beans before the in-laws visit. They never stay long.
girls will post pictures with “my day one💘💓” and it’s just some girl named Sarah that they met at the bar last week
HUNDRED DOLLAR IDEA:
Go to an ATM.
Withdraw $100.
[2 months into relationship]
HER: you’ve changed
ME: [proudly] showered, too
Monday mornings as a stay-at-home parent are kind of like cleaning up after a massive house party that you weren’t even invited to.
I have no milkshakes. No one comes to my yard. The grass looks fantastic.
1st Kid: spends 6 weeks sewing perfect costume
2nd Kid: *cuts holes in an old NKOTB beach towel* just say you’re an 80’s ghost or some shit
#SaturdayBears
I miss going to weddings just to bring home the centerpieces.
I think, 25 years later, it’s pretty goddamn safe to say that nobody made an entrance like Chris Farley.
6yr old: (screaming in terror) there’s a giant spider in the bathroom!!!!!!!!
Daddy: I’ll get it. (Runs in bathroom). Don’t worry, he’s dead now.
6yr old: YOU KILLED HIM???? (Falls to the floor, sobbing)
Now tell me how old your baby is in HOURS.
Apparently it’s ‘inappropriate’ to show up at your therapist’s home to swim in her new pool even though your ‘boundary issues’ paid for it.
The Blue Tooth in your ear tells me you are expecting an important call.
At Walmart.
At 8:00 AM.
On Sunday.
In the snack food aisle.
Ma’am.