I push everything I have across the table and confidently call “all in”.
“Omg, for the last time, this is chess”
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Me: I had a nightmare that someone broke into our house and tried to steal our kids
Husband: What’s the nightmare part?
Kid: There’s a monster living in my closet
Monster: do you have any idea how expensive a studio apartment is in this neighborhood
As a kid I only had the box of 8, but now that I’m an adult I can afford to eat an entire 64-count box of crayons.
Thinking that you’re on speaking terms with God is like finding out you’ve been playing both parts in an episode of “Catfish”
Me to fly that won’t leave me alone:
there are gross things in the trash – why are you coming after me?
Her: Hi, I’m Cindi with two “i’s”
Cyclops: Wow
I envy those who look beautiful with a messy bun and not me who looks like I either just climbed out of a ditch or played with an outlet with a fork.
Once in my life I’d like a password or username prompt to be all, “Shit you’ve almost got it. You’re getting closer.”
So this is how I learned my work calendar wasn’t private.
If they cancel the Times Square New Year’s Eve Celebration, I feel bad for everyone who misses out on what everyone I know who’s ever been to it describes as one of the worst things they’ve ever experienced.
Being an adult is 99% wondering how you hurt your back.
I made you something special for Mother’s Day, my kid threatened.
First Date RED FLAGS:
He brings a bottle of his mom’s perfume and asks you to put some on
Morpheus: “You take the blue pill, the story ends. You wake up in your bed and–”
Me: “Blue pill.”
[Batman & Joker at a table in Arkham Asylum]
Joker: Wanna know I got these Scars? *He gestures at his Lion King action figures*
Batman: Ugh
Up to 300 serial killers are active every day but the good news is that some of us have been incapacitated by the internet.
Give a man a fish, he’ll eat for a day.
Teach a man to fish, he’ll contribute to the global overdepletion of the ocean.
So give him a salad, maybe.
Does everyone’s inner monologue have a laugh track?
I can’t wait for my grandma to ask me repeatedly why I don’t have a boyfriend “because I’m such a pretty girl”.
I’m a psycho, grandma.
Would love to do a Trump family sitcom, but would have to make up a character to be “the smart one”
[God Creating Raccoons]
God: make a panda but a trash panda, then give it a mask so that people would know it will kill them for their food
Not to be rude but I think some of you think your dog is your best friend and your dog thinks you’re top 5 at most
Emperor: Luke, kill Vader and become my apprentice.
Vader: But why? I’ve been loyal.
Emperor: Have you ever listened to yourself breathe?
When I die and doctors perform an autopsy, they’ll probably find twenty pounds of stickers off of fruit in my intestines
Ethan Hunt: let’s all sync our watches.
Me: *throws watch into river*
No one is full of more false hope than a parent bringing a chair to the beach.
I only hug people when I need to wipe my hands off.
Executioner: Any last words
Me: No, I’m –
My boss, running full speed: WAIT WAAIIIITTTT *gasping* I need you on this conference call
The great thing about playing the bagpipes is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.