Sometimes I see an account celebrating big milestone after only 6 months on Twitter then I notice all their tweets are stolen and I get pissed that none of them are mine. Rude.
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[Spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is *looks at card and sees Worcestershire* uh-
Contestant:
Moderator: *sweating*
Contestant:
Moderator: forklift
If I were British I would carry around a monicle and drop it whenever I was horrified
Based on how he reacts, you’d think my dog’s entire family was killed by pizza delivery guys.
Ways I’m like a tea kettle: 1) need water 2) start screaming when someone forgets abt me 3) could burn down a house but probably never will
Me: NOT TODAY SATAN
Satan: But-
Me: Jesus, what did I just say?!
Jesus: To be fair he did say not today
Glad I had the coat closet redone so that everyone can continue leaving jackets and bags everywhere except the coat closet
“Does this hurt?”
“YES!”
“What about this?”
“OW!”
*Dr. writes notes*
“Patient shows symptoms of pain when stabbed with knife. Keep updates.”
I constantly see other people’s jobs they’re doing or have done and think “psshhh, I could do that better” like artists, photographers, dog walker, giraffe masseuse, water boy at a bath house, monkey tickler, Seth Greens personal high fiver, Doctor of Thuganomix.
*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*hours pass*
Sober me:
It would be convenient to have a urinal in my house.
Drunk me:
A urinal! *pees in sink*
I haven’t had one mouth papercut since I stopped flossing with business cards
So many people say they love their Roomba, but you never see them set it free.
Me looking for my phone using my phone flashlight: where the heck is it?!
Apps are like “wanna skip this ad? Click this tiny x, sausage fingers lol”
I often say to myself, “I can’t believe my cloning machine worked!”
yesterday my wife sent me to the garage to see if i could find some wd40 & two hours later i managed to disable our sprinkler system & start a small brush fire inside the washing machine
I shall play you the song of my people
*stomach growls*
Mary has her cakes…
Sandra has her cookies…
Sorry, package of toilet paper. I’m only making one trip from the car with these grocery bags, so you’re sleeping in the car tonight.
[holding a playstation controller while i watch Friends and pretending i’m controlling chandler]
Just because you’ve never met a time traveler doesn’t mean there aren’t any. Those idiots probably all got eaten by dinosaurs
Had a dream some of my friends were mooning me, woke up at the crack of Don.
Just found the worst page in the entire dictionary. What I saw was disgraceful, disgusting, dishonest, and disingenuous.
*Seductively turns all your toilet tissue rolls the wrong way…
To the person that stole my glasses.
I will find you, I have contacts.
No you shut up 😂🥳
Friend: my wife & I had our son very young
Me: so did we, he was just a baby
Do mermaids clean the sea or how does that work?
[first day as a private investigator]
Boss: you’re late
Me: I couldn’t find the building