When having guests over for lunch, once I’ve prepared the meal is it rude of me to leave?
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Dogs: I could vomit on the vinyl floor but this carpet two inches to the right seems better
Me: I’m updating my fitness app. Is bowling a sport?
Him: You didn’t bowl. You kept score.
Me: Is score-keeping for bowling a sport?
Interviewer: I want to ask you a question, and your answer must be quick.
Me: Okay.
Interviewer: 12 + 37 = ?
Me: Quick
[preparing dinner]
Him: *making mashed potatoes* I feels like you don’t trust my cooking
Me: *also making mashed potatoes* don’t be silly
Sad how shallow some women can be. I was informed the girl I like said she’d NEVER date a guy w/ a job like mine. Sorry I’m not some hot shot lawyer or doctor. Idk, maybe embezzling money from a children’s cancer research fund isn’t the most prestigious job but it pays the bills
Encore…
If you ever see a ghost DO NOT put a sheet over your head and make noises. They find it offensive.
for all #parents out there
If I wanted to insult a humpback whale I’d call it a ‘quasimofo’ then I would high five myself and probably drown idk I haven’t thought this through.
ME: I’ll see you in a month
WIFE: Don’t forget to write
ME: It’s highly unlikely I’d forget such a basic skill, Sharon
“Is he going to be my new dad?” – My 20 y. o. son any time I speak to any man for any reason.
photographer: alright guys, now let’s do a silly one
law professor: you’re currently failing your ethics class
me: *slides a $20 across the desk* how about now
What, this is my emotional support rabid wolf
I want to open a donut shop called Hole Foods.
This is Facts right here 🤣🤣💀
BOSS: you’re fired
ME: is it because I won’t take no for an answer?
BOSS: no
ME: is it because I won’t take no for an answer?
*FINALLY gets truck washed*
*immediately judges people’s dirty vehicles*
Older women aren’t afraid to ask for exactly what they want.
Doughnuts. I want doughnuts.
“Change is good,” I explain to my daughter as I carefully apply the same color lipstick I’ve been wearing since I was 15 years old.
How is it my dog understands the word no, but my children don’t?
me, drunk, into the thermostat: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?
To whoever has my old phone number: I truly hope you’re enjoying those texts from that guy I met at that thing
Two reasons you never date at work: 1. HR frowns upon it. 2. Your partner gets super pissed.
Whatchu want me to petit four? Pet it your own gotdamn self.
My man got attacked by a snapping turtle.
I asked the ER doctor if he would get turtle powers and the doctor asked him if he feels safe at home
“All you have left is your king and one knight,” sneers my grandmaster chess opponent. Suddenly a little hatch opens in my knight and thousands of tiny Greek soldiers swarm out.
sometimes I wonder if Einstein’s friends were ever able to say “nice work, Einstein” without sounding sarcastic
If the object of having a few drinks is to ” Take the edge off”, then I’m Spherical
My father still likes to tell the story about the argument he won with my mother in 1971.