Never throw sunglasses in an argument. If they land perfectly on your opponent’s face there is no known comeback.
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Please. My avocado. It is so sad.
My New Year’s resolutions:
1. Stop making lists.
B. Be more consistent.
7. Learn to count.
Legend 🤣🤣
Lady paid me $50 to paint the name “Inspiration” on her boat because “that’s what she is”
Considering writing “The Sea Word” instead.
I leave my vacuum in the middle of the floor at all times so when I have unexpected company I can say I was just about to clean my house.
BOSS: Don’t just stand there.
ME: Bust a move?
BOSS: What?
ME: Nothing, I’ll go make some copies.
You ever stare at your face in the mirror for so long you don’t even recognize yourself anymore & then realize you haven’t been staring into a mirror at all but a piping hot broccoli casserole?
Somewhere there’s a person named Current Resident who has to read every piece of junk mail.
Sagittarius: A bad situation gets worse this week when your family refuses to pay the ransom.
[drops a pinch of fish food into fish tank]
ME: here ya go little buddies
FISH: oh wow pukey shit flakes again, thanks man
Mom: What’s going on in there?
Me: Nothing mom, just watching women’s tennis
All parents want is for our kids to go to bed so we can watch a show with bad words in it and eat the hidden snacks.
You say jump I say how high. You say run I say how fast. You say lets hang out I say no.
Writing a letter to Santa challenging him to a duel and then just standing next to my chimney with a sword all night on Christmas Eve
Her: YOU’RE A PIECE OF SHIT!
Me: Well… at least I’m not all of the shit
Sex is my cardio which is why I’m fat.
I just told the 4yr old to lick her elbow and bought myself five minutes of quiet.
*googles how the hell I ended up here*
All arrangements are edible if you’re hungry enough.
ME: *taking their hand* It’s okay. We all struggle with connecting.
RABBID RACCOON: *hissing & desperately trying to wrench its hand free*
Cop: How much have you had to drink?
Me: 24 glasses of milk
Cop: Milk? Why were you driving so erratically?
Me: I was hoping I’d get pulled over so I could brag
“My computer just crashed” is going to be a much more serious statement when self-driving cars are the norm
[wife is gone]
me: I’m gonna take apart the front porch railings
10: did mom say you could?
me: it’s my house too!
10: but did she tell you that you could do that?
me: I can do what I want
10: I’m texting mom
Them: you smell nice
Me: thanks, it’s the dryer sheet I just found in my sleeve
I miss being a baby and having milestones. No one cares if you’re an adult and can lift your head or roll over on a blanket.
Find you a woman that looks at you the way my ex wife looked at my best friend, his brother, my stepdad, my bother-in-law, a handful of her coworkers, a group of bikers at the local bar that one time, that one dude who lived in the apartment above us…
My dog wakes me up at 5am every morning to go outside for a shit, which is great because otherwise I’d probably do it in the bed.
Romantic cop: Here, I brought you a flower.
Competitive about everything cop: Big deal. I brought you a flowest.
The 90s were wild. Scientists actually “cloned a sheep” as if we could tell sheep apart in the first place.
Not to brag, but according to my husband I can help with any home improvement project by getting the hell out of the way.