Women out here dating guys with three felonies
but being a sagittarius is too much of a red flag.
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A sitcom about teen girl aliens called UFOMG.
12 was not amused when I made the comment of how good ‘we’ did on candy tonight
When your parents check you’re ok.
Me: What’s a que and why are you against it?
Antique dealer: …What?
*tosses bath towel on hotel floor*
[text from wife at home]
“Pick that up.”
Due to personal reasons, I’ll only act surprised by the same information 7 times tops
If I were trapped in a pit by a psychopath who wanted to make a suit out of my skin, I would simply not put the lotion on my skin until there was enough hose water to float out.
I saw an ad for burial plots and I thought, that’s the last thing I need.
I adopted a rock.
He just sits there and does nothing all day.
It still beats raising Kylo.
A woman just pulled out her checkbook to pay for groceries and even the cultured butter dropped an f-bomb.
when will chicken evolve to the point where they hatch already coated in 11 secret yet oh so delicious herbs and spices?
[front of card]
No one will find your body[open card]
as attractive as I do[back of card]
lying at the bottom of an abandoned mine shaft
lost boys: how’d the prank on captain hook go?
peter pan: oh you guys are gonna love this HAHA I cut off his hand LOL and i FED IT TO THE CROCODILE 🙂
lost boys:
peter pan: so funny
lost boys: you’re a sociopath
OMG, just found my childhood diary! I was an adorable and strangely prescient little boy.
Gentleman, want to make your lady feel special? Place her picture in the kitchen, and write employee of the month.
She’ll love it! Follow me for more relationship tips
WHO SAID “YOU GOTTA KEEP EM SEPARATED”
A) Gov. George Wallace
B) The Offspring
C) My mom teaching me to do laundry
D) All of the above
I live in a high crime neighbourhood if you count downloading gardening shows illegally.
[Dinner party]
ME: *holding a plate of empty shells* Boy, those oysters were filling.
HOST: MY TURTLES!
Sometimes parenting means asking the tough questions like “why is there a rock in the refrigerator?”
[leaving theater]
me (drying my eyes): I hate movies where a dog dies
wife: that was a werewolf
me: but still
Spiders are all like, “I’m gonna build my home right above this dude’s head.”
H: Is there anything new you want to try in bed?
M: Actually…
*stretches out alone in bed, sleeps for 8 hours*
M: That was amazing.
When the cashier at PetSmart asked me for my phone number I said it loud enough for the hot guy behind me in line to hear.
I might have repeated it.
My father claims there’s nothing like being independent and yet he hasn’t washed a dish since 1975.
I’m tired of hearing that a traditional family is the only way to have a family. A family can be two parents & their kids. It can be a group of friends that love each other or it can be one woman that is followed around by a mysterious flock of blackbirds. Your family is valid.
trying to flirt with a waitress and
accidentally writing my phone
number in the tip section of the
receipt and charging 7 billion dollars
to my debit card
Him: What’s in the oven?
Me: Freud chicken.
Him: You mean fried.
Sigmund: Let me out!
Chicken: Me too!
Man, people are taking spring cleaning extra seriously this year.
Don’t talk to me about multiple universes I have enough trouble keeping this one running.
If you love someone, let them go. If they come back with snacks, it was always meant to be 🖤