From now on I’m gonna tell guests that I made my house especially messy, just for their visit, it was hard but I got it done
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I have the credit card bills of a much wealthier man.
Him: (on phone) Why are you single? Me: (watching a movie about a killer tire) I don’t know.
“The rules are quite simple, Mr Bond: I think of a word, you guess letters in that word. If you guess wrong I draw a picture a man hanging.”
A reboot of Dexter, but this time he stalks and kills people who crunch their disposable water bottles as they drink.
Pretty funny that turtles are always in uniform. It’s like lighten up, turtles. The war is over.
Me: do you want to go out?
Dogs: YES
Me: are you sure?
Dogs: YES MOST SURE
Me: ok
Me: [opens door]
Dogs: [go out]
Me: [closes door]
Dogs:
Dogs:
Dogs: WAIT WAT HAVE U DONE TO US WE DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
I don’t know who needs to hear this*, but vinegar isn’t a condiment
*The British. The British need to hear this
If you had to decide between being fat and rich or poor and skinny, what bridge would you sleep under?
Because everyone in Italy is quarantined, the natural wildlife has returned to the water and forests ❤️ We are the virus
Today’s weather from Yorkshire
Yeah I can fight, I’m professionally trained in the style of panic attack.
I’m always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank
“A cantaloupe is an antelope that doesn’t.”
no one ever talks about the cheerful reaper.
💁🏻♂️
Describing a female colleague to your GF, saying “you know, the hot blond” is conducive to sofa sleeping.
Everything happening on Twitter now is a lot easier to understand if you‘ve ever had a younger sibling that invented a game and added a new rule every time they started losing.
No, Karen ….
Gold, Frankincense and Myrrh
is NOT a Jewish law firm.
What’s the normal amount of hair to mail someone? I feel like this is a lot of hair I’m mailing to someone
First date idea: you, me, and a blanket
under the stars. We slap the shit out of each other but it’s sweet because of all the mosquitoes
My kids got like 20 pounds of candy and that is so unhealthy so obviously I have to eat it all for their own good
FRIEND: can you hold my keys?
ME: no [pulling another fanny pack out of my fanny pack] but you can
Rude lady to me, “Well I’m sorry but you don’t LOOK sick to me.” Me, “Looks can be deceiving. For example, you don’t look stupid.”
ME: Got any hobbies?
DATE: I’m a big horse fan
ME: You’re thinking of a giraffe
Coworker: It’ll either work or it won’t.
Me: Yes. Those would be the two possible outcomes.
The potato masher IS the Gatekeeper of the utensil drawer, don’t piss her off.
Age 10: I want to be a baseball player
Age 20: I want to be a writer
Age 30: I want to be happy
Age 40: I want my toilet to flush
Leaving your home without your smart phone is modern day camping. You’re out there in the wild with no way of making contact with anyone, roughing it up on your way to pick up dry cleaning.
The key to a successful marriage is a sense of humor. For example, I make a joke about my husband and he laughs, and he makes a joke about me and I get the bed all to myself.
if humidity has a million haters, i am one of them. if humidity has 100 haters l, i am one of them. if humidity has 10 haters, i am one of them. if humidity has 1 hater, i am that hater.