I met a girl at a club the other night and she told me she’d show me a good time.
When we got outside, she ran 100m in 9.69 seconds.
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When you have mixed feelings about bathtime
My husband helped me relax by going to the store for some gift bags for my son’s upcoming birthday. He just returned victorious and presented me with a bunch of brown paper lunch sacks.
Replace someone’s MRI with a dancing skeleton gif once, and you’ll never be asked to deliver bad news again.
[Ouija board starts shaking and screeching]
Me: hold on I gotta take this
If you’re feeling jealous because someone you know is posting photos of an amazing vacation that you could never afford, remember this: Now is an excellent time to break into their home and steal stuff.
Prime Day landing on the same day I get my period?
I need a bigger cart
[party]
me: i think my gf is mad at me
friend: yeah dude i saw her making out with some guy in the kitchen
me: did she look mad?
if you stab somebody “over a chicken sandwich” you were destined to stab somebody over something, someday. on this day, the wheel of fortune just happened to land on delicious chicken. don’t blame the chicken, baby.
if you play guitar in a band, always make sure to look like it hurts to play
“So, what’s the plan?”
“You walk up and do your whole ‘rawr rawr’ shtick, and I’ll sneak around and grab their sammiches.”
“PARKOUR!” – me, after tripping over nothing on the sidewalk
I went to a wildlife rehabilitation center today and none of the animals were still doing drugs. A massive success!
Fine. I’ll rush you to the hospital, but then we’re doing what I want.
And bowling should be called pinball
Don’t spend money on body modification. If you wait long enough, your body modifies itself for free.
Me, a good parent: Oliver we talked about this [wrestling coat onto a walrus] u can still catch a cold despite your thick layer of blubber
Inventor of the Ouija Board: I have created the most evil family game ever
Inventor of Monopoly: oh, child
happy friday
There’s no crisis in life that frying a potato can’t solve
I totally get your eyebrows.
My bank account is overdrawn, too.
My favorite Facebook tradition is when women wish another woman happy birthday by posting a picture together from their wedding. Like happy birthday but this is still all about me.
Will you marry me – Proposal
Will, You, Mary, Me -foursome request
Will, you marry me – Timetravler spoiling the future
Will you, Mary me – Cavewoman Introducing herselfPunctuation, it’s THAT important!
How do I tell my kid the tooth fairy needs $15 change for the $20 she left under his pillow?
My daughter says she’s not mad at me but she did just hug her dad and tell him, “I love you more than anyone” without breaking eye contact with me.
“Have kids,” they said.
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I put chips and salsa out for family and friends and didn’t use a Thanksgiving dish.
So not only is it the 4th of July and apparently the house behind me is a fireworks warehouse but the new neighbors across the street have a garage band. 😕
i will not be silenced
You take the good, you take the bad, you take them both and suddenly you’re accused of being a kleptomaniac
Me: *completing a puzzle* see if the pieces are soggy they fit wherever
Vin Diesel eats only two meals per day:
1) Breakfast
2) Breakfurious