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I have a list of things I need reached That I’m handing the 1st tall person that comes to visit me.
when I put “???” In a conversation, this is exactly my face behind the phone lol
For two years in high school, I took guitar lessons. Something interesting I learned is that guitar resale nets a 45% loss.
What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
A nervous wreck.
#HatDadJoke
*raises the last donut to the sky like Simba*
Nana to 3: “I love you! Who loves ya?!”
3 to Nana: “Nana!”
Nana to 3: “That’s right! Who loves Nana?”
3 to Nana: “Nobody!!!”Never been more impressed in my life.
HIM: What are you doing?
ME: Hiding some more money in the couch. Can’t trust the banks you know.
HIM: How much is in there?
ME: $5.40
*brings a full menstrual cup to a bank robbery
They say nothing rhymes with orange. I must be pronouncing it wrong.
Just saw that my wife was googling ballroom dancing lessons and now I’m hoping that she’s having an affair.
Women: ugh, my period again
Me: In highschool I had 6 periods a day – No big whoop
Marge is going for a more natural hairstyle
I really like your LED headlights can I look at them with my hammer
I’ll bet when two cannibals get trapped in an elevator going to lunch, around the fifth minute, things start getting a little weird.
I was trying to throw out one of the 3 year old’s toys because he hadn’t touched it in a year.
Faced with the loss he suddenly decided his neglected toy was everything and he couldn’t live without it and totally lost his mind and…
ahh beans, he’s inherited my break up angst.
I can always tell how stressful my day was by how far apart I’ve kicked my heels when I got home. Today one heel lies in the corner of the living room while I believe the other one is currently orbiting Mars.
I don’t steal the blankets. Gravity is just heavier on my side of the bed
Every time a house is evil, a disaster, and full of demons in a movie we find out someone used a Ouija board so anyway guess when I’m saying is at what point did America use a ouija board
Someone told me I was “good people” and I replied “OMG you can hear them too?”
BOSS: due to the virus we need everybody to work from home
ME: please, i have a family
My behavior when there is a mosquito in the car while I’m driving suggests I am willing to die in order to kill a mosquito.
Telling our kids we were born before the Internet is going to be the new ‘I walked to school in the snow without shoes’
Sex is great, but have you ever ate some fries after doing keto for 6 months?
Him: Tire me out baby.
Me: *feeds him pasta*
I made a huge to do list for today. I just can’t figure out who’s going to do it.
ever since i put all my eggs in one basket i have received unsolicited egg advice, you dont know my life, you dont know what im all about
Jack Black is trending? Hey if it’s 1998 again maybe I can fix some mistakes
Mom: Want to come over for dinner?
Me: No thanks, already ate
Mom: What did you have?
Me: Peanut butter
Mom: With?
Me: Spoon
You’re following someone who just picked up a candle and tried to drink it
Wait for it…
This is *probably* the best villainous hair reveal in cinema history.