Told a girl she’s more attractive when she’s not wearing glasses and she said I’m also more attractive when she’s not wearing glasses.
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the tv: 120 seconds until the nuke lands and ends us all
kids: oh no
wife: oh no
parents: oh no
me: *reading bagel bites package says to cook for 3 minutes* oh no NO NO
Before Mississippi became a state, people measured time in Massachusettses.
GOD: *invents mouse* I like it
MOUSE: Yes this is “mousestanding” work haha
GOD: *invents cat*
this guy in South Dakota left his pickup sitting for four days. You know it’s the pandemic. In that time a family of Red Squirrels picked apples from a nearby tree and stored em in his engine and wheel compartment. There are another 1 1/2 to 2 buckets in the wheel wells!!
My child: Mom, there’s a monster under my bed.
Me: “That’s impossible, they’re all running for president right now.”
keep your circle small. bridesmaid’s dresses are expensive.
People who say everything happens for a reason should remember that when I punch them in the face.
“I’m so sorry”
“No, I’m really sorry”
“No, I’m even sorrier than you”
“No, I’m the sorriest ever!”
*mutual hug*
-Canadian rap battle
If I eat healthy today then I can have one piece of candy as a reward. If I eat unhealthy, then I can have the whole bag.
And then Satan said, “save time ~ respond to her text with a K.”
The seatbelt sensor dinged at my 5yo because he unbuckled while we were parked, and he yelled back MY MOM SAID I COULD OK
*brings knife to gunfight*
*knife used to cut pizza*
*pizza served & differences resolved*
*last slice up for grabs & gunfight ensues*
My dog walking company has terrible reviews and I’m being sued.
My garage full of dogs is totally worth it.
Went on a family vacation and 80% of the pics are my 11yo looking like her dog just died
just had a salad but it didn’t make me laugh like women in stock photos
[Work Lunchroom]
Co-worker: Man, remember when we we were poor and used to eat things like Mac n Cheese with hotdog at every meal?
Me: *slowly closing my bag lunch* *nervous chuckle* Haha. Yeah totally.
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
Every day I ask Chatgpt if it knows where my keys are and If it ever knows the answer I’m suing everybody.
Her: How do you like your bacon?
Me: In bulk
I didn’t expect to have such strong feelings when the subtitles said smooching while the actors were kissing.
Your reply guys are like Pooh Bear. They wear no pants and are relentlessly trying to get in your honeypot.
GF (from 2nd floor window): either the trampoline goes or I go!
ME: It
…was
…nice
…knowing
…you
I told my kid what we’re having for dinner, and she replied, “Man, I just can’t win today.” She turned into a 47-year-old guy with a mortgage and lower back pain right before my eyes.
Missing someone is tough but you move on eventually & I’m no longer allowed to chaperone field trips.
found a twenty in my purse then channeled jesus and turned it into wine at the nearest liquor store.
Told my daughter it’s against the law to play April Fool’s Day pranks on parents so everyone back me up on this
Interviewer: how would you describe your conflict resolution style?
Me: *panicking* coniferous
DNA doesn’t make you a parent. Stepping on a lego guy on your way to the bathroom at 3 am does
Architect: so for the bathroom-
Contractor: I’m thinking the most smooth, slippery tile imaginable
Architect: hell ya we want that baby to be a death trap