Playing dodgeball with kids is harder than it looks cause you have to throw them with both hands.
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Wait for it…😂😂😂😂😂
I’m going to leave the presents out and hide my kids in the closet until Christmas.
one time I bought a cd and i thought the guy was going to say ‘have a good night’ but he said ‘do you have a favourite band’ and I said ‘you too’ and then I had to stand and pretend to know about Bono for five minutes while holding a Shania twain album I bought for my mom
I never understood why people complain about camping. What’s not to love about a luxury, air-conditioned cabin fully stocked with food, beer, and WiFi?
*turns off comments*
My first scholarly article was rejected in a letter so scathing I worried there might be criminal charges as well.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who sees you eating the chicken nuggets he said he didn’t want
Barista: name?
Benedict Cumberbatch: Benedict Cumberbatch
Barista [writes “Benedict Cumberbatch”]
Benedict Cumberbatch: holy shit
i trust babies a lot because i can throw them pretty far
Wife: Have you seen my stilettos?
Me [6 inches taller and struggling to stand]: Uh *stumble* No
Cheat on me, you can’t even have cold water. A legend.
Child protective services?
Who’s protecting the parents Huh?
WHO’S PROTECTING THE PARENTS?
It’s woman law if another woman tells you your outfit is cute and you got a deal on it you must tell them where you got it and how much it cost.
You wouldn’t believe the number of times I’ve narrowly escaped death as an agent of a covert, black ops squadron. But my nephews would, and that’s why I’m looking forward to Thanksgiving.
Well, well, well…
If it isn’t the lesson I should’ve learned by now.
Did you guys know that protons have mass?
I didn’t even know they were Catholic…
i get in my bubble bath with clenched fists to make me look more manly
told the kids i had trouble with handwriting when i was little and 5yo asked if it was “because pens were made of feathers”
Subway sandwich employee said he wears the gloves “cuz the meat stings.”
Nothing strikes fear in the heart of a parent like finding a container of glitter sitting on a table…with the cap off
Remember, you are statistically more likely to be killed by a donkey than a plane crash.
[Donkey Pilot turns and does throat slit gesture]
Was everyone before this just…not washing their hands?
-Knock Knock!
-Who is it?
-The love of your life.
– 🙂 Really?
-Hahahaha no, it’s the pizza you ordered.
*walks up to salad bar and fills entire plate with bacon bits and chocolate pudding*
Scar from the Lion King who is your mechanic and just fixed your car horn: beep repaired!
Luke, I am your father. Man you should see your face right now. It’s all like waaaaaat no way.
“So lucky our kids have siblings so they’ll always be there for each other,” I mutter as I break up another physical fight between my daughters because they both want to be Hermione Granger for Halloween.
*pulls away from kissing*
batman, is this why I’m your sidekick?
wrestling movies: im sad and i have something to prove to my dad
actual wrestlers: my name is Nutbuster Mike and i dont care if i die
The next COVID variant will be named Optimus Prime, followed by Bumblebee and Rachet.
What idiot called it a tree trimmer instead of a branch manager?