Life hack: ask telemarketers and phone scammers to go steady seconds into the conversation and never be bothered again OR now you found love
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listerine whitening mouthwash is just purple shampoo for teeth
normalize having existential bread
I could never join the army because I’d never be able to figure out what time it is.
A spooky dog skeleton would be so confused. He’d be like should I haunt people or should I gnaw on my enticingly exposed bones
The chances of you being killed by a chinchilla are low, but never zero
According to the Chinese zodiac, it’s the year of the dog, or “who’s a good year?!”
If a bear attacks you, the best thing to do is play dead. Unless it’s Dave, the Necrophiliac Bear
Diet Tip: Your pants can’t get too tight if you never wear any
Jingle Bell Rock implies the existence of Jingle Bell Paper and Jingle Bell Scissors.
Critics agree that plot considerations did not justify the near-constant nudity in your film “How To Safely Use A Ladder In The Workplace”
January has been Januweary
Short women who cook know the difference between cooking tongs and our special “grabbing tongs” to reach items on the top shelves.
“ i don’t like taylor swift ” 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
My coworker’s out here matching her water bottles to her clothes and I don’t even match my clothes to my clothes.
Dear women,
3 reasons why you need to accept we men are mature.
No 1. We know what upsets you.
No 2.
Hahahahahaha… I said “number 2”
The advantage of being an adult is that I can totally do whatever I want. Unless it interferes with my kids’ school or swim practice or homework or when they fight or when they’re hungry or tired.
The scene where Indiana Jones swaps the bags and runs from a boulder but it’s me trying to eat a cookie without my kid seeing me
[ In bed, trying to find a cold spot ]
Ahhhh, there it is…
Wife: Get off of me!!
Your Joke Is Factually Incorrect – A Guide to Dying Alone.
normalize slapping the phone out someone’s hand when they use speakerphone in public.
In hindsight, when I caught up with my old friends and told them their kids were shooting up, I should have clarified I was talking about their height.
I feel it
I have good and bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
We need a new front door
WIFE: And the good news?
[points to Monster Truck in living room]
I don’t eat some foods.
-vagueans
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a fly* bee
Animals who have bright colors and patterns in the wild are considered dangerous and shouldn’t be messed with.
*Updates work wardrobe to bright, loud colors and patterns*
A baby stroller, but just to take my snacks with me.
me making someone eat a chip with my mind
[cats plan a heist]
Ok…Max, u cut the alarm. Felix, u open the safe. Um…any ideas for a getaway car?
*Mittens drifts by on a roomba*
Perfect