Wife: You knew when we met that my job would preclude me from having children.
Me: Why? You can still investigate deaths when you’re pregnant.
Wife: Nobody puts baby in the coroner.
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I hate when I go to the gym and someone’s doing yoga on the napping mats.
FYI: By the end of the Twelve Days of Christmas song, your home is crammed with 23 flying Birds and 50 hyperactive Humans.
“I bring you news from the front, m’lord. Food bowls are empty, litter boxes are full, and the natives are getting restless.”
Why are trains so expensive? You going that way anyways, just drop me off
do what now??
[Voter registration]
Me: I just really need to be aligned with people who represent me and my ideals
Them: ma’am there is no “Antisocial Party”
[puts key in lock]
DO YOU AGREE TO NEW TERMS & CONDITIONS?
“sigh.”
*Accept
[door opens, rooms are smaller, furniture is moved]
Dog: “Moooo!”
*stops drinking liquids at 5pm*
BLADDER AT 3AM: still not good enough
Mimes are known to commit
unspeakable acts.
My work mom text me and asked what I was doing so uI told her I’m doing my nightly Indeed 30 job applications. I told her I’m applying for everything, qualified or not, shit, I just applied to NASA and I don’t even like to fly or astronaut ice cream
You’d think the heat and humidity would steam some of the wrinkles out of my body
i did not spend hours helping you clean your house just to be yelled at for hiding dishes in the oven
[being haunted by the spirit of the man who invented the gif]
*extremely spooky voice* oooo I’m a jhost! Yes, it’s pronounced “jhost”
Them: Sex without marriage is a sin.
Me: Well, technically, I am married, just not to him.
THE NEWS: gas prices are at an all time high
ME: *hasn’t left my house in over 2 years* oh no
In pretty sure my wife’s most prized possession is her plastic bag full of other plastic bags.
“google d-dildoes…” i whisper to siri “GOOGLIN BIG OL DILDOES!!” screams the phone, smashing windows in a 9mile radius & flipping over cars
I don’t know, Jay-Z. If I was worth half a billion dollars, I’d have like 3 problems. Max.
If Elsa could bring snow to life why didn’t she make herself some pets? I’d have like 50 snowcats by now.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a boy, blocking the tv and getting him shot on Call of Duty.
i can’t wait that long
Watching tv with 4 and now he knows the word crescent.
All I learned as a kid was how hard to hit a cat with a frying pan without killing it
her: i’m leaving you
me: is it because of my obsession with emo rock bands
her: no it’s because of the weird chemistry fanfics that you keep writing
me: i knew it! you hate my chemical romance
if cupid went bow hunting would the deer population increase or decrease?
Being in my mid 30s is just constantly worrying that today is the day I get REALLY into model train sets
“One for me, and one for the person I love most,” I say, grabbing myself two beers from the fridge.
Tweet about drinking too much = 50 quick likes
Facebook about drinking too much = A phone call from my mom
The night is dark and full of terrors.
My day is long and full of meetings.
Same thing.