Dear #Athiests
Evolution could never design and create a machine that consumes scraps and produces bacon
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I’ll straight up listen to yacht rock on a house boat and house music on a yacht I really don’t give a shit anymore.
Vegetarians live up to nine years longer. Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, baconless, cheeseburgerless, meatless years.
After I fell asleep on the couch my sweet 3 year old daughter came over, draped her blankie over me, and lovingly put a Cheez-it in my mouth. She gets me.
My 15yo just handed me this and apologised, explaining that he’s been contracted to kill me.
The washing machine broke so I had to wash my undies in the river. As a bonus, 3 catfish floated to the top afterwards, so dinner is served!
oh yeah… you like music? name three instruments
I like to reinvent myself every year, last year I was a small Italian woman and the year before that a bear.
Your car took up two spaces, so I tried to move it over with my key.
I’m not laughing AT you, I’m laughing WITH other people at you.
[spelling bee]
“your word is… death”
can you use it in a sentence?
“in most states, yes”
Marriage and prison are pretty much the same except in prison. sex with multiple partners is guilt free.
When people say “what do you want, a cookie?” It’s like yeah. That would be great. Would help my mood immensely
*leads wife into bedroom where rose petals on comforter spell out “NO, YOU TAKE OUT THE GARBAGE”
Alligators can live for up to 100 years.
So that increases the chance that one will indeed “see you later.”
Netflix needs to stop asking if I’m still watching and start asking if I moved the laundry to the dryer yet.
Getting caught doing nothing is NOT an option
4 year old: Daddy do you have any bat cheese?
Me: Bat cheese?
4: Yes
Me: Bat. Cheese?
4: Yes. Bat cheese.
Me: Why are you asking for… bat cheese?
4: For my car
Me:
4:
Me: Ahhhh batteries. You need batteries!
4: Yes bat cheese! 🙄
Impress your date by eating your mashed potatoes with both hands.
I’ll get a 5-mile queue at my coffin but it will be all collection agencies making sure I’m really dead.
[Giving my kid some valuable life advice] If you’re having cereal for dinner, you have at least two bowls. Otherwise it’s just a snack.
me: AAAAAA SPIDER, KILL IT KILL IT
wife: [destroys spider’s confidence and self worth until it throws itself into traffic]
If the police don’t escort you out of Applebees then is it really a good date?
“yer a magician, harry” hagrid said to hary houdini when he graduted magic academy
I’ve been teaching the orcas how to sink boats. Soon I will ride one into battle and take my rightful position as lord of the seas right after I learn how to open my eyes underwater
Today’s short poem is called ‘Passwords’.
The Lion King is my favorite movie about how having a karate wielding monkey can completely change your life.
When I’m older my plan is to mostly talk gibberish then very occasionally turn to a grandchild and say
‘Of course the money is all in that account in Switzerland’.And then start talking gibberish again.
When the rapture happens at a midwestern nondenominational church.
I didn’t realize how much of parenting is yelling “It’s not a touchscreen!”
[2 Humans who definitely aren’t lizard people at Denny’s]
1: I sure am glad they don’t have newt brain on the menu
2: Right on, fellow human