Cop: I have bad news. It’s your son. You need to come down to the mortuary
Mom: But…how?
Cop: Maybe get a cab?
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11 year old: Daddy, I heard a new song called Bohemian Raspberry, do you know it?
Sorry I called your huge zit pimple poppenheimer
[Lady is being robbed]
“Help, Social Media Man!”
[Social Media Man swoops in & creates a facebook page called Mugging Is Bad]
The biggest laugh at a joke I’ve ever received was on a plane to Amsterdam.
I was on a KLM flight, and the Heineken tall boys were free. When I asked for my fourth, the flight attendant asked me if I think I’d had enough.
I replied, ” Am I gonna have to fly the plane later?
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
TAYLOR SWIFT: Aw here are some band aids
ME: THOSE DON’T FIX BULLETHOLES
TS: *picks up guitar* …brb
ME: I’M STILL DYING
Clicks “open”
Tries door
Clicks “open”
Tries door
Clicks “open”
Tries door
What the FU..
Wrong car
(I have a master’s degree)
therapist: next time someone ghosts you what are you going to do?
me: [singing] who you gonna call? ghostbusters
therapist: get out
Birds that land and then WALK across the street… what the hell is wrong with you?
Before Geronimo was born in 1829 what the hell did people yell when they jumped off things?
I should have peed before I left and other things I’ll never learn: A memoir
[coworker interrupting my story about how my weekend was] first of all McDonald’s doesn’t even have soup
I don’t know who put chairs in the elevator, but that’s a kind of laziness that I can respect.
I could pick up a Prius if there was a pizza trapped under it
You make me want to be a better sentence completer.
restaurant owner: you start on monday
me: I can’t wait
restaurant owner: I don’t think this will work out then
Funny how people only believe their horoscope when it’s something good about them.
Astrological sign: You’re smart.. but not really. You’re actually just an idiot.
Now what?
Me: I’m ghosting him.
Her: You stopped talking to him?
Me: No, I’m showing up when he least expects it and scaring the shit out of him.
What am I doing with the rest of my life?
I don’t even know what I’m doing with the rest of this tweet…
I pack extra bags when I travel so I have room to bring back souvenirs, candies, hotel towels, the extra toilet paper, stuff like that.
[Russian class]
Um, why did I fail this test?
Teacher: You just wrote in English and added “ski” to the end of the words…
I knowski.
*first day as a Walmart greeter*
Me: You know Target’s still open, right?
sometimes I worry that my diseases are saving up to move to a better person in a more desirable location
Whittling a shank in a meeting sends the message that it’s time to wrap things up.
All the rooms in this asthma clinic offer breathtaking views.
Ok, I think I’ve pinpointed who screwed up the ozone layer
I was having a great Friday until I found out it was Thursday.
There aren’t enough love songs about the moment you see your luggage appear at baggage claim.
Energizer bunny arrested. Charged with battery. LOL just kidding it was double homicide.
Good news, I don’t have the virus. Bad news, I can still taste my cooking.
That fish is too small and that fish is too big but that fish is justtttt right
-Goldilocks on Tinder