I remember when I used to play hard to get.. now I’m like hi i love you, ring size 4.5, my uterus is healthy, please marry me.
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Her: See ya later alligator!
Me: *slithers into swamp*
Honey we’re having guests tonight, break out the fine jina
Apparently Neil Armstrong used to tell unfunny jokes about the Moon, and follow them up with “Ah, I guess you had to be there.”
When pets wake me up at 5 am, it’s painful but adorable and I come right to life.
When humans do it, they lose a finger.
If the new Joker musical doesn’t have Lady Gaga singing “Joker Face” what’s the point??
Forgot my glasses so I’m pointing at a random spot on the menu and hoping for the best
do I have to register a drone if I only plan to use it to see where I left a cup of water without getting out of bed?
If you use your stimulus check to buy baby chicks, then you got the money for nothing and the chicks for free.
Me: I would like to go to sleep now
Brain: you can’t
Me: why?
Brain: you haven’t Done Enough
Me: done enough…what?
Brain: Enough
Me: enough what??
Brain: Enough. Just Enough. You have not Done Enough
Me: I’ll do enough if you tell me enough what
Brain: You have not Done Enough
Me: Throw it back. It’s too small.
Him: Ma’am, this is your child.
Me: Fine. Use him as bait.
Nobody likes failing a CAPTCHA but you don’t need to worry if you’re really a robot unless you notice more than the normal amount of springs and gears in your poop.
Me: WHY DID YOU EVEN COME HERE IF YOU DIDN’T WANT TO BE WITH ME!!
Him: Ma’am please just take your pizza.
Customer next to me at pharmacy counter: What are you taking those for?
Me: To control my homicidal rage at nosy people.
Customer: …
cat: *unresponsive*
bartender: get this catatonic
ME: What does synonym mean?
MY MOM: It’s another word for something[Later on date]
ME: You wanna get synonym from the dessert menu, Sharon?
I asked the bookstore employee where the self help section was. She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
BOSS: Show the new guy around.
(Hours Later)
NEW GUY: I think the boss meant around the office.
ME: *holding my model planes* You don’t like my house?
When a grammar Nazi gets sad give them a hug and say “There, their, they’re.”
Insane how Jesus was born on Christmas and resurrected on Easter??? Like what are the odds
Boss: Are you high?
[Me watching him evaporate] I hope so.
hate sitting down at my favorite diner and having the waitress i’ve known for 15 years come to pour me coffee but i notice that her usually steady hand is shaking, tipping me off to a hostage situation that i will be forced to resolve with a combination of guile and violence
Who called it your monthly period and not egg drop soup?
[Sci fi movie]
How did you travel such a distance so fast?
“I went through a wormhole.”Worms in the audience: Omg this is so unrealistic.
My super power is getting hungry as soon as someone says the food won’t be ready for two hours.
I tried to be domestic & cook. Microwave is on fire. A waffle maker, 3 pans, a toaster & my neighbors cat in the trash. Making soup is HARD!
We are taking care of my friend’s dog for the rest of the month.
She’s been with us about 45 minutes so far. My boyfriend has said “I love you” three times already.
It took at least six months of dating before we said that to each other.
Just sneezed, accidentally blew a snot bubble, dropped my phone, then tripped on the dog. Whoever has my voodoo doll is hilarious
If life gives you a cactus that doesn’t mean you have to sit on it.
I tell my child, “10 minutes till bed!”
She hears me say, “Go put on a Halloween costume.”
Why?
I’m pretty terrified of the possibility that you guys might crawl out of my phone like that girl in The Ring.