I keep people from talking to me by picking up leaves off the ground and eating them.
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I have 11 pictures of myself from high school. My daughter has 11 pictures of herself from this morning.
It’s gonna be so fun when we all start seeing each other at AA meetings after all of this.
Laughing at your mistakes could lengthen your life. Laughing at your spouse’s mistakes WILL shorten it…
just responded to every text i haven’t replied to in weeks by sharing my wordle which i got in 2 guesses
Desperate, I pull a goose from my bag and throw it screaming into the bully’s face. Gertrude, my biggest and angriest goose, destroys him.
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
People who get stoned in glass houses should probably wear pants
…or whatever that saying is
What do we want?
FLEXIBLE WORK SCHEDULES THAT ACCOMMODATE FAMILY LIFE!
When do we want it?
[Unintelligible yelling of different dates]
Never say never. Unless someone asks you when you want to go camping. Then the right answer is always “Never”.
“Please be aware that we are experiencing higher than average call volume”
*connects*
Agent: Hello
Me (whispering): hello
[Being dragged out of my movie club] Oh and by the way ‘The Hills’ only has one i.
ME: [staring off into distance]
HER: what’s wrong?
M: nothing
H: talk to me
M: it’s just…that bus in Speed would’ve never made that jump
My friends are fully aware that our designated meeting times are rough estimates.
self awareness is such a two edged sword omg?? like yay i know myself better!! but at what cost.
Champagne says I’m classy. Vodka says I can do anything I want. My therapist says I have to stop talking to my drinks.
New neighbor: Hi, I’m Sara.
(recalling the 47 Sarah’s already in my life)
Me: I’m sorry, this isn’t going to work out.
My Bread Shop may have turned a profit if I stuck with the original name: Rolling In Dough instead of: Yeast Infection Connection.
My wife and I have a rule whoever is driving controls the radio, unless I’m driving and then she controls the radio.
toothfairy had to leave a note apologizing she couldn’t find the tooth last night despite CLEAR instructions to her customers where the designated tooth pick-up spot is.
“I said, ‘No’”
– me, about to give my dog my sandwich
[kangaroo court]
Lawyer: I’m afraid my client has jumped bail.
Judge: Who is surprised by this?
I keep a key hidden in a hollowed out section of a gallon of Neopolitan ice cream, & it opens a secret door in the back of my freezer where I keep even more ice cream
I get it, artificial Christmas tree. I also can’t fit in my pre-Christmas box.
Him: how do you call your loverboy?
Me: C’mere loverboy.
Him: and if he doesn’t answer?
Me: ohhhh loverboy
Him: and if he STILL doesn’t answer?
Me:
Him:
Me: FFS, I walk away cause honestly I don’t have time for games.
I collect all cell phones and iPads from the kids at night and keep them in my room.
Last night those little ***holes all set alarms to go off at various times throughout the night.
I’m impressed with their ingenuity and team effort.
They’re all grounded.
Friend: What time is it?
Me: November.
Twitter is great because it allows me to show off my hilarious mind without showing off my hilarious body…
Hey girl, are you the barbed wire fence surrounding Meryl Streep’s house? Cause I just can’t seem to get over you
Someone posts video
“Wait till the end”Me – *fast forwards to the end*