[waving hands and chasing down ice cream truck] Hey!
“What’ll it be?”
[out of breath] Nothing. Just wanted to tell you I’m vegan
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According to my scales, there could be four wolves inside of me.
My ‘Mom Voice’ was so loud even the neighbors washed their hands and cleaned their rooms.
That Gollum game was never going to be great but damn if this isn’t the funniest “alpha footage vs final release” since maybe the first Watch Dogs
The world is so overpopulated, it’s getting so a girl can’t even find a nice, quiet place to yank out her wedgie.
My wife got four more Christmas presents for the dog than she did for me.
ME: mom we’re out of eggs again!
MOM: it’s ok, there’s cereal
[later]
ME: *throwing cheerios at the mean neighbor’s house* this sucks
“Hey baby, what dat mouff do?”
It eats. It eats a lot. That’s what.
“How many dead bodies do I have to leave on the porch before they acknowledge me?”
-Cats
Why do prescription pills always say “by mouth?” Where else would people put th…
Ooooooh.
me: “im using this quarantine to learn something new each day”
friend: “what did you learn today?”
me: “guitar”
friend: “no way you learned guitar in one day. prove it”
me, opening a guitar case: “this is a guitar”
friend:
me: “tomorrow im going to learn what a piano is”
Brad Pitt wears a skirt and he breaks the internet. I wear one and the HOA is all, “Cease and desist!” and “You’re hurting our eyeballs!” and “You are uninvited to the pancake breakfast!”
Spent the day dressed as a bee, gently bumping myself against my neighbor’s sliding-glass door. Got the hose twice.
nobody:
TV writers: first of all, nobody can explain anything quickly or clearly to avoid a misunderstanding
god: you have outlived your purpose
dinosaurs: give us another chance
god: fine
dinosaur chicken nuggets: not like this
Doctor: You need a kidney transplant.
Me: A transplant?
Dr: Don’t worry, I’ve never lost a patient. I know where each one is buried.
Me:
“I’m soooo tired!”
[lays down in bed]
“I’m soooo comfortable!”
Bladder: Sup bro
I refuse to use the self-checkout isle at a store. What I will do is occasionally post up at the exit and ask to check shoppers receipts. If I’m gonna work at your store for free, I’m picking my own position.
Setting my phone on do not disturb because I’m about to eat nachos and want zero interruptions.
[teaching my 3yo the alphabet]
“Ok what’s a word that starts with Q”
cucumber
“That’s uh… I don’t… let’s pick this up again tomorrow”
I always carry a knife with me in case my mugger is made of cake.
I really had high hopes for this year though
Him: I can’t sleep
Me: try counting sheep
Him: did it ever occur to you that the fact that you filled our bedroom with 27 sheep is the reason why I can’t sleep?
Me: aww you HAVE counted them *claps hands*
18 hasn’t had a haircut since the start of the pandemic, yesterday he let 20 cut his hair so he could donate it, today the post office lady asked what I was sending and I said a ponytail and not another word, anyway, I’m expecting to be on a list by end of day.
INTERVIEWER: Under special skills, you wrote “I ain’t afraid of no ghosts”
ME: *sweating profusely* Yeah why, do any ghosts work here?
Apparently “will work for food” doesn’t involve hunting.
Mom was disappointed there were no fights on her flight. I gave her some tips for the return flight.
holiday horror movie idea: you have 10 days to complete a completely reasonable task that takes 20 minutes to do
My sunscreen says its SPF 100. I opened the tube and squeezed out a blanket.
Fun Fact:
The human brain isn’t able to register typos or grammar errors until after hitting teh Send button.