Peanut Butter CEO: it’s taking too long to mix it, leave it lumpy
Me: umm
CEO: call it crunchy
Me: oh ok then we charge less
CEO: hahaha no
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*chasing after the person that just robbed my house*
TEXT ME WHEN YOU GET HOME SO I KNOW YOU GOT BACK SAFELY
Pandemic’s been going on so long quarantine is now quaranadult
My cat is bilingual. He ignores me in both English and Spanish.
Thank you Saran Wrap for so many years of not even remotely doing what I want.
In retrospect, “Metallica” is a hilarious name for a metal band.
It’s like a Bob Dylan calling himself “Ol’ Folksy.”
Ran down the stairs without a bra on and my husband thought I was clapping. I was not. I was not clapping.
Yeah avengers endgame was good but I found out my boyfriend is a movie clapper so at what cost
[On the phone with my bookie]
Put it all on Jesus and let it ride
How normal people flirt…”Hey Sexy*
How I flirt …If you were a tree you’d be a great tree
I’m pretty like a car crash.
[responding to trash talk during pick up basketball game] my wife has a bad back so I doubt that happened
Just heard a British person call Oreos “chocolate sandwich biscuits” and I finally understand why the Revolutionary War had to happen.
you pass by on your run. i’m on the front porch hacking into my neighbors neurolink and having him wash my dad’s van
guy at seaworld: “it’s a cross between an eel and a shark, we’re asking everyone to pick a name for him”
wife: “steve”
me: “sharkeel o’neal”
I left some new office rules in the break room of an office I don’t work at…
Courageously battles through my ice cream headache
Mario: hey u up?
Princess: yeah y?
M: come over 😉
P: can’t. Kidnapped 🙁
M: Where? I’ll save u
P: castle. Up stairs, next 2 flagpole
M: k
Hang in there, you can do it.
-Canadian bathroom graffiti
Parenting is a lot like a Tarantino film. Lot of questions and violent screaming.
Imitation is the sincerest form of crabmeat.
“Subpar accommodations. One star.” – Oldest known TripAdvisor rating for Bethlehem.
Can u imagine getting married and having a family and staying in love until u die, then waiting in the afterlife for your wife to join you and she finally dies and ditches u for a dude she knew for three days on a boat instead?? Anyway I’d give Titanic a 9/10
police: put ur hands behind ur back
me: are u mad at me
me: I don’t need to write it down, I’ll remember
me 5 seconds later: oh no
Me: i’m just here for shits and giggles
Taco Bell employee: *passes me my order* i can’t promise you the giggles
Take your husband’s last name. Take his first name. Take his social. Assume his identity. Hide the body in a closet. You’re the husband now.
Friday night party time 🥳
God gives his worst wrapping skills to his strongest gift givers
The skeletons in my closet are making inappropriate sexual advances at the monsters under my bed!
Replace his deodorant with a glue stick so he thinks of you every time he tries to raise his arm to put around the shoulders of another girl