I’ve got 19 yo boys lining up to mow my lawn. Cougar game strong? Nah, I just make a mean lasagna.
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me: what’s your favorite book
her: I love 1984
me: just pick one
Mosquitoes be like “I know a spot” and then bite me in on that one part of my back I can’t reach
All out of clean spoons so I guess I’ll just eat this fat free yogurt with my gun.
customer: I’d like to buy a bagel with cream cheese
me: sorry, we only take cash
manager: can I talk to you
Psst. The real reason Ryan Gosling is taking a break from acting was to molt, mature & become Ryan Goose.
professor x: what’s your superpower
me: I make text look like faces
professor XD : what?
Oh Good..the Cats replacement head is here
I am waiting for the day we have a national scandal involving a gate
My 10yr old just asked me to stop brushing her brain, when I put her hair up in a pony tail.
No longer performing, members of Dire Straits are now advising other bands.
They are consultants
They are consultants
They are con-sul-tants of swing
(Don’t let her know you can’t read)
Yes I’ll have this
*points to menu*
-So you want the gratuity of 15% added to parties of 8 or more?
Shit
The difference between your husband and your Netflix account is, over time, your Netflix account learns what you like.
How the stock market works:
Seller: selling $20 for $25!
Buyer: [terrified] take my money!
pre-crashed car! already crashed. don’t have to worry about crashing it, car cannot crash. can’t drive it (no wheels) wheels fell of in crash. also just replaced the brakes, brakes work perfectly now
My ex girlfriend has a tattoo of a shell on her inner thigh. If you put your ear to it you can smell the ocean.
A closed mouth gathers no fries.
the best sex is the kind that keeps your neighbor up all night. that’s what my neighbors are having.
[at the ballet]
“Their feet must be killing them. Why don’t they just hire taller ballerinas?”
The real holiday hell happens after the gifts are unwrapped and it’s time to read instructions and assemble things.
Apparently “never hesitate to tell her you love her” does not include yelling it through her window at 3am, I know this now.
Husband: You know how we could keep costs down on a really cold day?
Me: Setting fire to the house?
Me; Right, some revision?
Son: K
Me: Start with chemistry?
Him: K
Me: Periodic table?
Him: K
Me:What’s the symbol for potassium?
Him: Dunno
I don’t need money to buy happiness. I’m already happy. I just want the monies.
You have to kiss a lot of short, black, flamboyant musicians before you can find your Prince.
*Mary Poppins voice*
Ok, children! Time to go!
[15 min later]
*Batman voice*
I said let’s go.
If I were Amish, I’d have to convert to Pmish cause I’m not a morning person.
Pro tip:
Don’t ever ask rhetorically; “what is wrong with me?” in front of your wife. I did this two days ago.
She’s still telling me.
Please, pdf is my father. Call me pdf (1)
My Millennial gets her Masters in December and of course I’m proud but she called me last week to say our toaster broke and long story short, she plugged the wrong appliance in.
I take all my medical advice from the Uber Eats driver