Teach your kids how to drive a car, get a job, cook, & do laundry from day one. The quicker they learn this, the faster they can move out.
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Poor superman.he can’t go commando without the whole world noticing
My self care time these days looks a lot like me lying on the floor while my 3yo does a high impact circus routine on my back.
This day in history. 1634. The Irish House of Commons passed An Act for the Punishment for the Vice of Buggery, prodded so to speak to do so by Anglican bishop John Atherton who was later the first to be hanged for the crime.
attention men: pls stop telling us you want to go down on us for “hours”. thats way too long. we have stuff to do. i’ve got a lasagne cookin
Sure Italian food is expensive but I think it’s worth every penne
Hey kids, remember the feeling you got when you cleaned your room without being asked and no one noticed? That’s what adulthood’s like.
At a fried chicken place, looks delicious
My (27F) boyfriend (28M) won’t stop saying he’s “microdosing pants” whenever he wears shorts
America is 5 wars away from receiving a free one.
My husband just told me to relax, like he doesn’t remember we’re camping in the desert and I brought a shovel.
I always get suspicious when I don’t see dishes in the sink like, wait, did I remember to feed the children?
Took the batteries out of the carbon monoxide alarm because the loud beeping was giving me a headache and making me feel sick and dizzy.
*puts one hand on hip, sips tea, stares out of the window at the rain*
“This is just ridiculous”
They say you are what you eat.
*opens a big bag of nuts
if the neighbor kid is driving you nuts practicing saxophone you can complain or teach her Careless Whisper – maybe be a problem solver
I hope Obama spends the last 2 years of his term replying to all the tweets we’ve sent him.
[Jesus goes over the bill at the last supper]
“Why would-[closes eyes & rubs bridge of nose]-Why would anyone order wine?”
Note to self: Take Mila Kunis picture off of vacuum before taking it in for service next time.
My dream guy is hot, funny and smart. And he’ll ask me to marry him with a green lantern ring. And he has powers. And a castle. And Yoshi.
ME: [slowly peeling back sock] It hurts so bad doc, is it gangrene?
DOCTOR: [leaning in with tweezers] Hmm, I see, it appears to be… a red Lego
Suggested movie theater prices: Adults – $9.00, Under 12 – $ 6.00, Under 3 – $249.00
Convince people you own a penguin by putting up a ‘Beware of the Penguin’ sign outside your house.
(Someone finally shuts off a car alarm)
Philip Glass: (sticks head out of apartment window above) HEY I WAS LISTENING TO THAT
Some people aren’t just missing a screw the whole toolbox is gone
I’ve been obsessed with random unnecessary quotation marks since I was a kid.
This is easily the most terrifying example.
Unlike the sons, the Mumford daughters all married at young ages just for the chance to change their names and hide their unfortunate family history of angry banjo playing.
Him: *whispering* you still awake
Me: *exhales loudly through harmonica*
Mr. Webb, what is the greatest threat to national security?
“The dinosaurs in Jurassic World, they always seem to get out”
Apparently people mistook my innocent “what street did you grow up on” tweet for data mining.
Which is hysterical in a completely non-Russian bot fabricated to crack your Pinterest password & steal your Dog Sweater Vision Board ideas kind of way.
(genuine human laughter)
[wearing a negative pressure suit and a space helmet]
Her: Are you really that worried about the virus?
Me: Virus?