Me: Do you like my jeans?
Her: They’d look better on my floor 😉
Me: *laying down on the floor fully dressed* OK…so now?
Her: ….
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Waking up with a hangover in your 20s
vs
Waking up with a hangover in your 40s
I wasn’t planning on moving, but I was just invited to the neighborhood fall potluck, so I guess now I have no choice.
I always bring luggage when visiting my mom because I know she’ll send me on a guilt trip
Stop with the DiCaprio jokes. They’re getting old.
me:
table: hi
me: *checks dosage*
This is why I hate group projects
My 8 year old just pointed a lady into the direction of the toy section at this K-Mart and now he’s the assistant manager
#math
ME: please show me the posts in the order that they were made
COMPUTER: thats too hard. heres some tweets i think are good. Do you like this
So this dude was installing adhesive for the carpet to go on and….he didn’t plan this very well. Lol
GUY: hey pal, if you have a problem, say it to my face
ME: *gets really close* i’m two months behind on my rent
*Negative people trying to ruin my mood
*Me
I didn’t know imposter syndrome was contagious, but my boss also thinks I’m terrible at my job.
Cashier: do you want cash back?
Me: I mean who wouldn’t. There’s ring of fire, I walk the line. Let’s not forget his christmas album
Them: Writers are birthing bravery.
Me, a writer: Can I have an epidural please?
If your conservative parents piss you off over the holidays, come out to them. You don’t even have to be gay, it’s just a fun thing to do.
Imagine any 5 white people walking up to you being like “we’re imagine dragons” . You have no choice but to believe them.
Bachelor party photos will always come back to haunt you.
My daughter said “daddy we are not friends with Brooklyn because she said I dress weird”
No questions asked now I got beef with a 4 y/o named Brooklyn and her father.
I dont make the rules to this gang shit. I just play my role.
Met Office warns snow could cut off rural communities from the rest of the UK, coming as huge relief to people living in rural communities.
{response at rap battle}
Nice try but my Mom isn’t even flexible so it’s impossible that really took place.
I need Apple to develop a slurred speech to text feature.
My boyfriend told me to stop acting like a flamingo so I had to put my foot down
BREAKING NEWS:
Sting has been kidnapped.The Police have no lead.
Sorry for laughing and pointing when you fell. I just thought clapping would be rude.
Fun Prank:
Use Bluetooth to play 30 second blasts of Napalm Death on your neighbours stereo. They’ll think they have a poltergeist and move
U once broke ur toe? I once broke my foot. U had a baby? I had 2 babies. U have a bad back? I have a bad front. I can do this all day, btw.
Children give terrible gifts because they’re poor.
I’m walking more to lose weight in order to help my knees feel better. Walking more is making my knees sore.
The moral of the story?
Don’t have knees.
*shampoos & conditions hair
*rinses hair
*blowdries hair
*straightens hair
*spits toothpaste into hair